November 21, 2024

Glorious Living w/ Coach Megan: Restoring Broken Relationships

August 9, 2013 by

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Dear Coach Megan,

A very horrible situation happened several years ago between one of my family members and I.   Ever since then, we have not had any contact with each other.   I am very unsettled in my heart and spirit about this and I feel God pushing me towards reconciliation with this person. My question is in how I know if this is something I should pursue or not. I hope you will be able to help me with this.  Bless you, P.S.

Hello, P.S.!

My heart aches for you, knowing how grave the pain is when any relationship {family or otherwise} is ripped apart.  Not much makes me happier than to see relationships restored to even better than new, but you and I both know that sometimes, that isn’t what ends up happening. Reconciliation is the act of settling or restoring differences.  While a relationship will not always be salvaged, the spirit of reconciliation will ALWAYS reflect the heart of God.  Read with me Romans 12:18.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Most people do not know the when for reconciliation, but the Bible does state two specific times:

  1. When you have wronged another {Matthew 5:23-24}
  2. When you have been wronged {Matthew 18:15-16}

In order to pave the road for reconciliation, you must 100% sincerely commit to forgive and be reconciled in the relationship.  This does not need to go both ways, but your heart must be pure in motives and sincere.  1 Peter 3:9 says: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

With this in mind, use the following as guide in beginning to pave your road for reconciliation….

Prepare your heart for seeking reconciliation. Be willing to:

  • view the conflict as an opportunity for growth
  • learn what God wants you to learn
  • discover that you are partly at fault
  • expose your weakness
  • be open with your feelings
  • risk the relationship
  • accept a negative outcome
  • pray for God’s will to be done

Colossians 3:15

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body
you were called to peace. And be thankful. 

 Know that the refusal to seek reconciliation affects the intimacy of your relationship with God. Humble your heart and pray:

  • “Lord, I don’t want to be prideful and unbending”
  • “Lord, I want Your favor in my life, not Your disfavor”
  • “Lord, I want to reflect Your character and be open to reconciliation”

Matthew 5:9

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Seek forgiveness and apologize for words that have hurt the other person

  • “I have tried to see our relationship from your point of view”
  • “I realize I have been wrong in my attitude of _______”
  • “Will you forgive me”

Proverbs 6:2-3

you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth.
So do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands:
Go—to the point of exhaustion— and give your neighbor no rest!

Recognize the ground rules of communication:

  • Offer unconditional acceptance
  • Confront the problem, not the person
  • Listen without interrupting
  • Verbalize your feelings
  • Use words that build self-worth
  • Aim for mutual understanding
  • Give more than you take

Ephesians 4:2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Be kind and gentle

  • Don’t harbor resentment
  • Don’t make excuses for yourself
  • Don’t get drawn into arguments
  • Don’t fail to pray
  • Don’t have expectations of immediate acceptance

2 Timothy 2:24-25

And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome 
but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. 
Opponents must be gently instructed, 
in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth

Reflect the character of Christ in ALL you do.

In order to prepare your heart to reflect the character of Christ, pray:

  • “Lord I die to my personal rights” {Galatians 2:20}
  • “Lord, I die to defending myself” {Psalm 28:7}
  • “Lord, I die to relying on my own abilities” {Proverbs 28:26}

Enlist a mediator if necessary

  • Pray for God to prepare the heart of your opposer for mediation
  • Seek a person whom your opposer can respect
  • You can say, “At times an outside person can have a different perspective that is more objective. Would you consider having a mediator help us think through our problems with the hope of reaching a successful end?”

Matthew 18:16

But if they will not listen, take one or two others along,
so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

Do not hold yourself responsible for the outcome

  • When reconciliation is refused, do not live with false guilt.
  • You cannot force reconciliation to occur
  • Everyone is individually responsible to God

Romans 14:12

So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.

Rest in the knowledge that you have done all that you can do to seek peace

  • Continue to show love and treat the other person with forgiveness
  • Thank God for giving you the desire to be at peace with everyone
  • Praise God for His commitment to orchestrate your own spiritual growth

Romans 12:18

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Dear P.S., if your efforts are refused, remember that if your heart has been repentant, you have God’s total forgiveness {1 John 1:8-9}.  Be sure to pray for those who refuse reconciliation and for their unmet need {Matthew 5:44}.  Know that God never leaves you when you suffer the loss of a close relationship {Psalm 34:18}.  Be careful to control what you say about those who refuse reconciliation {Romans 12:14}.  Do not be vengeful toward them.. in time, God deals with those who do wrong {Romans 12:19}.  Know completely that God will bring something good out of the pain {Isaiah 43:18-19}.

In closing, my friend, please keep in mind that reconciliation is restoring a relationship based on restored trust. It requires repentance and is to be extended only when earned. Pray to God for discernment on this and I so hope that you will be able to use this as a guide when preparing your heart, mind, and spirit.

Blessings,

Coach Megan 🙂

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Glorious Living w/ Coach Megan: Overcoming Bitterness with Hope

August 2, 2013 by

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Coach Megan,

I won’t go into all the details, but I know that I have been burying a lot of anger for a long time now and now it is at the point that it is hard for me to be hopeful for change. It is hurting me so much and many of my relationships as well. I pray you can give me some direction. Bless you, K.

My Dear K,

Thank you for reaching out and I do pray that these Biblical answers will be helpful to you in this desperate situation.  What I heard lying beneath your cry for help is that you are struggling with bitterness, which is powerfully pushing you down into a ditch of despair.  Signs of bitterness can be subtle at first, but very soon it swirls into a chaos of complaints, unforgiveness, depression, sustained grief, hopelessness, and even rage against God.  Most people find it difficult to admit that they are bitter….  They say things like “I’m not bitter, but I just can’t forgive him!” or, “I’m not angry, but it’s just not fair.”  Bitterness is buried anger that has become stuck in resentment and unresolved anger is like a big, heavy chain that ties us to the past.

Hebrews 12:15
See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that
no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

When you are struggling to overcome bitterness, you must:

  • Believe that it is possible, with God’s help, to get rid of all of your resentment.
  • Know that you are not a helpless victim of other people, circumstances, or events.
  • Take personal responsibility for your attitude of bitterness.
  • Confess before God that you are harboring anger.  Express your true desire to overcome the bondage of bitterness.
  • Search your heart for the past events or people that embitter your heart, then release your right for revenge.
  • Understand that only a close relationship with Jesus can give you the love and confidence to let go.  Leave your vengeance to the judgment of God.
  • Cultivate a heart of forgiveness toward others that allows you to experience God’s total forgiveness of you.

Putting your hope in Christ will keep you from being wrecked by the crushing events of life. Although your anchor is unseen, you will feel it’s pull and know it is holding you.  No matter what storm you might be presently enduring or might soon be encountering, if your anchor is Jesus, your anchor will hold!  Extraordinary benefits await you when you hold on to the hope He offers… benefits based on the promises of God, benefits both in this present life and in the life to come. You cannot earn or deserve the benefits of hope…they are a gift of grace to you based on the Lord’s great love for you.  His Word shows us what these benefits are as HIS blessed hope…

Generates faith and love in you

Colossians 1:4-5

because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all God’s people—
the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven
and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel,

Causes you to live a pure life

1 John 3:3

 All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure.

Inspires you to persevere with endurance

1 Thessalonians 1:3

We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith,
your labor prompted by love,
and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Uplifts your downcast soul

Psalm 42:5

Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Causes you to praise God

Psalm 71:14

As for me, I will always have hope;I will praise you more and more.

Anchors your soul

Hebrews 6:19

 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain

Gives you reason to rejoice

Romans 5:2

through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.
And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.

Establishes your security and safety

Job 11:18

You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.

Guarantees your eternal life

Titus 3:5-7

he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.
He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,
whom he poured out on us
generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace,
we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

 

Blessings,

Coach Megan 🙂

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Winning Him Without Words: Travel The Road of Forgiveness

November 20, 2012 by

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Bitterness, resentment and anger over unmet needs. These are all kindling for unforgiveness and I have gathered them all. When someone does something that hurts me, I am unable to tell them. Confrontation is too difficult for me. I am a “nice” person and a “nice” person does not argue or complain. That is unless you are my husband. When he does something to irritate me, I’m all about letting him know about it. It’s that “word” thing again! My mouth opens like a flood gate and all sorts of “you should’ve known better” and “you don’t care about me” accusations come bursting out. In the world, people say releasing that anger is cleansing. But not me. After I lose my temper I am left with feelings of guilt. I know I shouldn’t act that way and I am embarrassed of my actions. That guilt turns into resentment towards my husband because if he hadn’t made me mad in the first place, I wouldn’t be feeling so lousy now. So I stay angry, resentful and bitter and can’t even fathom forgiving my husband for making me angry.

Ugh. How exhausting that kind of marriage can be. So to change this endless cycle I have had to pray, and I’ve had to pray HARD because forgiveness is hard! When you feel jilted your human instinct is to get even, it’s the insult for insult, eye for an eye mentality. But God doesn’t want you to act like that. He wants you to give it to Him!

Especially when you are trying to speak with your unbelieving spouse. I recently had a discussion with a friend who is an unbeliever. I was astounded that he truly does not believe in God and I know he was just as perplexed with my views. It makes it very hard to have a civil discussion when both sides believe so strongly in their views, doesn’t it? Insulting, angry words will be tossed around, tempers will escalate, feelings will get hurt. Things may be said that are very hard to forgive. And like I said above, forgiveness is hard, but not if you ask God for his help. Turn to Him and tell him of your hurts and ask Him to help you forgive your husband. By turning to God you are given the power of the Holy Spirit and through Him you can do all things! Even forgive!

When you forgive you gain freedom. Freedom from the hurt feelings, freedom from the frustration and anger. He takes it all from you and leaves you free to just love your husband as he is, because after all, that is what God wants us to do. He doesn’t want you to worry about your unsaved spouse anymore. Leave that to God & be your husbands fine linen rope.

Let’s Pray:

Dear Lord, forgiveness is a hard thing to do, but we know how important it is, not only for a healthy marriage, but also for a healthy mind and body. Unforgiveness can eat away at us like a cancer if we let it. Reveal to us Lord the areas of unforgiveness in our marriage and help us to give them to You. Help us to heal from the past hurts and replace that pain with the feeling of freedom! In your precious name, Jesus, Amen.

Your Assignment:

Below I’d like you to talk about an area of unforgiveness in your marriage that  you may be holding onto. We will all pray with you to release it to God!

Godspeed,

Sarah

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For the Winning Him Without Words Bible Study, you will need the book, your Bible, pen or pencil, a highlighter and a quiet place. You can order the book right through our website by clicking the “Sign-Up Here” button located at the top of our webpage; which is also where you can sign up to participate in this awesome bible study!

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Winning Him Without Words: Sacrificial Giving

November 8, 2012 by

I will sacrifice a free-will offering to you;

I will praise your name, O Lord, for it is good.

Psalm 54:6

In this section Dineen shares with us a different kind of Valentine’s Day present she gave to her husband. Instead of chocolates and a card, she made a list of things that she would NOT do to her husband anymore. I did this for my husband as a Christmas gift last year. My list was pretty similar to Dineen’s and I bet as appreciated by her husband as it was mine! Let’s review Dineen’s list.

No Nagging!

Oh ya! This is a big one for a lot of us. It starts out as us asking for a favor from our husband and expecting them to do it for us. Then it turns into a constant “did you do so & so for me? I’ve asked you 20 times, can’t you remember? I don’t ask for much…” and so on. It sounds so ugly in print, imagine what it sounds like to our husbands. I am so guilty of this. And I’m good about playing that martyr card too! “I don’t ask for much, can’t you just do this one thing for me without me having to remind you over and over?” To fix this, Dineen started writing her husband reminder notes. This is a great idea and seemed to work really well for her and her husband! He didn’t have to hear her “nag” him about something over and over and she didn’t have to stress out about asking the same favor over and over. She just had to remind him of his list…gently! 😉 This turned her into his helper instead of his “nag”! Genius!

No Expectations

We’ve talked about this one quite a bit, and rightly so because it is so important. Sometimes we place such high expectations on our husbands that we are setting them up to fail. There is no way they can read our minds and know exactly what we want them to do or say. Speaking from my own experience, holidays were killer for us. I expected a pretty surprise every holiday, birthday and anniversary. I didn’t want to tell him what I wanted, I wanted to be surprised. That is the romantic in me! He would continually tell me that he’d rather I just tell him what I would like and he’d get it for me. I’d pout and say “that’s no fun!” but when it came time to open gifts and I was less than thrilled to open my vacuum cleaner, he proved his point. He saw a need of mine and thought he was doing good. I saw the most unromantic gift in the world. So now I make a list of 3 things for him to choose from. He has a guide to go by and I still have the element of surprise!

Okay, so I was using a funny example of not setting high expectations on your husband, but in seriousness, it really isn’t fair to him. When you are in a spiritually mismatched marriage, you can’t expect your husband to see the world as you do. Like Dineen says, you need to remember he doesn’t have the same belief system you do. You can’t expect him to think the same as you because his definition of right and wrong is measured more towards worldly things. He knows stealing is wrong, but not because it’s a sin, but because it is taking something that does not belong to him. You do need to respect his way of thinking if you expect him to respect your ways. Together you can talk and compare your ideas and I can guarantee both of you will learn something.

No False Assumptions

This is huge for me. Way to often I take a comment from my husband the wrong way, get offended and let it ruin my mood. He will try and tell me he did not intend his comment to be offensive, but I have a hard time getting over it. But I have been working on it! I learned something from our lesson this week that will help me to continue to improve in this area. From now on I’m going to not speak the minute I feel offended. Instead I’m going to exhale, think about what I’ve just heard and be sure of the facts, maybe let my husband explain further what he meant and then, most likely, realize his intent was not to offend me at all. So many arguments will be saved by just slowing down, really listening and understanding!
No Resentment
Past hurts are hard to get over. But let me tell you something, holding onto them and letting them eat away at you, or giving them new life each time you have an argument is never going to move you forward in your marriage. Sometimes I make things to simple, but this is one of those areas of marriage where I have always felt the past is in the past. You can’t go back and change it, so it really doesn’t make a lot of sense to dwell on it for the rest of your life knowing how miserable it makes you. I won’t lie and say I haven’t ever brought up a past argument to try and make a point in a current argument, because I have! But I was quick to learn that it only made the current situation worse than it needed to be and nothing really got solved. Especially the past argument! Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It is a gift to YOU from God. When you allow yourself to forgive someone for hurting you, it frees you from that hurt. You cannot dwell on it anymore or think back to it from time to time. Let it go and move on so YOU can be happy again. When you hold a grudge, you aren’t hurting the person who hurt you. They’ve moved on long ago! When you hold a grudge the only person you are hurting is yourself.
Let’s Pray:
Lord Jesus, be with us today as we go over elements in our marriage that we need to work on. Bring our shortcomings to light for us so that we can know what we need to work on to make our marriages happier, more peaceful and more loving. Remind us of our vows to love, honor and cherish. We meant them when we took them in front of you, but all of us need a daily reminder to keep working hard to honor each vow.  We love you, Jesus. Please help us make our marriages a testimony to others!  Amen.
Your Assignment:
What is your list of things you will not do anymore in your marriage? Post them below so we can all pray with each other while we tackle them one by one! If you have a praise report on something you have conquered, share it below also!
Godspeed,
Sarah
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For the “Winning Him Without Words” Bible Study, you will need the book, your Bible, pen or pencil, a highlighter and a quiet place. You can order the book right through our website by clicking the “sign-up here” button at the top of our webpage; which is also where you can sign up to participate in this awesome bible study!

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