Dear Megan,
I pray you can help me. I have spent a lot of time working through the anger from my past, but I am really struggling releasing anger I am currently feeling in a constructive way. Maybe that means I haven’t truly released myself of the pain of my past anger, I don’t know. I do know that I need help now and I pray God can speak to me through you on this. Thank you for any help you can give!
~C.D.
Dear one, thank you for your question. I think we need to start off by understanding what is at the core of anger. Really, when we feel that our real or perceived rights have been violated, we can easily respond with anger.
This is something very real that many people struggle with…sometimes in certain seasons, situations and circumstances more than others. What is not okay is if we are walking around with the wrong belief that we have the right to be angry about our disappointments and choose to stay angry for as long as we feel like it. It is not okay to walk around with the belief that you have the right to express your anger in whatever way is natural to you. That is why I loved in your question when you said that you are struggling with releasing anger in a constructive way…. this implies that THIS is the type of guidance you are looking for and THAT, I believe, is pleasing to God!
What we want is to believe in our hearts that our Lord is sovereign over us and that we trust Him with our lives. We must yield our rights to Him and, through that, our human disappointments become God’s appointments to increase our faith and develop His character in us! We must choose to NOT be controlled by our anger, but to use our anger to motivate us to do whatever God wants us to do.
1 Peter 1:6-7
6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.
7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold,
which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
I pray that the following steps will help you to handle your present anger constructively and biblically.
1. Acknowledge Your Anger {Proverbs 28:13}
- Be willing to admit you are angry
- Be aware of when you feel angry
- Become aware of suppressing or repressing your anger because of fear
- Be willing to take responsibility for any inappropriate anger
2. Analyze Your Style { Psalm 139:23-24}
- How often do you feel angry?
- How do you know when you’re angry?
- How do others know when you’re angry?
- How do you release your anger?
3. Assess the Source {Psalm 51:6}
- Hurt, injustice, fear, frustration, _________
4. Appraise Your Thinking {Proverbs 21:29}
- Are you expecting others to meet your standards? “She should take better care of her children.” “They ought to notice what I do for them.”
- Are you guilty of distorted thinking? {Exaggerating the situation, assuming the worst, labeling one action based on other actions, generalizing, etc.}
5. Admit Your Needs {Anger is often a tactic used to get inner needs met} {Philippians 4:19}
- Do you use anger as a manipulative play to demand certain “musts” in an attempt to feel loved?
- Do you use explosive anger to get your way in an attempt to feel significant?
- Do you use controlling anger, insisting on certain conditions in order to feel secure?
- DO you know that only Christ can ultimately meet all your needs?
- “Lord, though I would like to feel more love from others, I know that You love me unconditionally.”
- “Lord, though I would like to feel more significant to those around me, I know that I am significant in Your eyes.”
- “Lord, though I wish I felt more secure in my relationships, I know I am secure in my relationship with You.”
- “Lord, though I wish others would be more responsive to my needs, I know that You have promised to meet all my needs.”
7. Change Your Attitudes {Take these steps outlined in Philippians 2:2-8}
- Have the goal to be like-minded with Christ
- Do not think of yourself first
- Give the other person preferential treatment
- Consider the other person’s interests
- Have the attitude of Jesus
- Do not emphasize your position or rights
- Look for ways to demonstrate a servant’s heart
- Speak and act with a humble spirit
- Be willing to die to your own desires
8. Address Your Anger {Galatians 2:20}
- Determine whether your anger is really justified
- Decide on the appropriate response {How important is the issue? Would a good purpose be served if it is mentioned? Should I acknowledge my anger only to the Lord?}
- Depend on the Holy Spirit for guidance
- Have constructive dialog when you confess
- Don’t speak from a heart of unforgiveness {think before you speak}
- Use personal statements such as “I feel…” instead of “How could you…” or “Why can’t you…”
- Stay focused on present issue {don’t bring up past grievances}
- Don’t assume the other person is wrong… actively listen for their point of view
- Don’t expect instant understanding. Be patient and always respond with gentleness
- Show the love of God by saying the following to yourself: I placed my anger on the cross with Christ. I am no longer controlled by anger. I am alive with Christ living inside me. I will let Christ forgive through me. I will let Christ love through me. I will let Christ reveal truth through me.
****Please, please journal out your thoughts, prayers and fears as you begin this journey to constructively release your present anger. I am praying God will move in your life in a mighty way through this and may He get all the glory!
