Dear Coach Megan,
A very horrible situation happened several years ago between one of my family members and I. Ever since then, we have not had any contact with each other. I am very unsettled in my heart and spirit about this and I feel God pushing me towards reconciliation with this person. My question is in how I know if this is something I should pursue or not. I hope you will be able to help me with this. Bless you, P.S.
Hello, P.S.!
My heart aches for you, knowing how grave the pain is when any relationship {family or otherwise} is ripped apart. Not much makes me happier than to see relationships restored to even better than new, but you and I both know that sometimes, that isn’t what ends up happening. Reconciliation is the act of settling or restoring differences. While a relationship will not always be salvaged, the spirit of reconciliation will ALWAYS reflect the heart of God. Read with me Romans 12:18.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Most people do not know the when for reconciliation, but the Bible does state two specific times:
- When you have wronged another {Matthew 5:23-24}
- When you have been wronged {Matthew 18:15-16}
In order to pave the road for reconciliation, you must 100% sincerely commit to forgive and be reconciled in the relationship. This does not need to go both ways, but your heart must be pure in motives and sincere. 1 Peter 3:9 says: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”
With this in mind, use the following as guide in beginning to pave your road for reconciliation….
Prepare your heart for seeking reconciliation. Be willing to:
- view the conflict as an opportunity for growth
- learn what God wants you to learn
- discover that you are partly at fault
- expose your weakness
- be open with your feelings
- risk the relationship
- accept a negative outcome
- pray for God’s will to be done
Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body
you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Know that the refusal to seek reconciliation affects the intimacy of your relationship with God. Humble your heart and pray:
- “Lord, I don’t want to be prideful and unbending”
- “Lord, I want Your favor in my life, not Your disfavor”
- “Lord, I want to reflect Your character and be open to reconciliation”
Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Seek forgiveness and apologize for words that have hurt the other person
- “I have tried to see our relationship from your point of view”
- “I realize I have been wrong in my attitude of _______”
- “Will you forgive me”
Proverbs 6:2-3
you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth.
So do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands:
Go—to the point of exhaustion— and give your neighbor no rest!
Recognize the ground rules of communication:
- Offer unconditional acceptance
- Confront the problem, not the person
- Listen without interrupting
- Verbalize your feelings
- Use words that build self-worth
- Aim for mutual understanding
- Give more than you take
Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Be kind and gentle
- Don’t harbor resentment
- Don’t make excuses for yourself
- Don’t get drawn into arguments
- Don’t fail to pray
- Don’t have expectations of immediate acceptance
2 Timothy 2:24-25
And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome
but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.
Opponents must be gently instructed,
in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth
Reflect the character of Christ in ALL you do.
In order to prepare your heart to reflect the character of Christ, pray:
- “Lord I die to my personal rights” {Galatians 2:20}
- “Lord, I die to defending myself” {Psalm 28:7}
- “Lord, I die to relying on my own abilities” {Proverbs 28:26}
Enlist a mediator if necessary
- Pray for God to prepare the heart of your opposer for mediation
- Seek a person whom your opposer can respect
- You can say, “At times an outside person can have a different perspective that is more objective. Would you consider having a mediator help us think through our problems with the hope of reaching a successful end?”
Matthew 18:16
But if they will not listen, take one or two others along,
so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’
Do not hold yourself responsible for the outcome
- When reconciliation is refused, do not live with false guilt.
- You cannot force reconciliation to occur
- Everyone is individually responsible to God
Romans 14:12
So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.
Rest in the knowledge that you have done all that you can do to seek peace
- Continue to show love and treat the other person with forgiveness
- Thank God for giving you the desire to be at peace with everyone
- Praise God for His commitment to orchestrate your own spiritual growth
Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Dear P.S., if your efforts are refused, remember that if your heart has been repentant, you have God’s total forgiveness {1 John 1:8-9}. Be sure to pray for those who refuse reconciliation and for their unmet need {Matthew 5:44}. Know that God never leaves you when you suffer the loss of a close relationship {Psalm 34:18}. Be careful to control what you say about those who refuse reconciliation {Romans 12:14}. Do not be vengeful toward them.. in time, God deals with those who do wrong {Romans 12:19}. Know completely that God will bring something good out of the pain {Isaiah 43:18-19}.
In closing, my friend, please keep in mind that reconciliation is restoring a relationship based on restored trust. It requires repentance and is to be extended only when earned. Pray to God for discernment on this and I so hope that you will be able to use this as a guide when preparing your heart, mind, and spirit.
Blessings,
Coach Megan 🙂
