Matthew 5:23-24

Glorious Living w/ Coach Megan: Restoring Broken Relationships

August 9, 2013 by Megan Smidt, CCLC

Dear Coach Megan,

A very horrible situation happened several years ago between one of my family members and I. Ever since then, we have not had any contact with each other. I am very unsettled in my heart and spirit about this and I feel God pushing me towards reconciliation with this person. My question is in how I know if this is something I should pursue or not. I hope you will be able to help me with this. Bless you, P.S.

Hello, P.S.!

My heart aches for you, knowing how grave the pain is when any relationship {family or otherwise} is ripped apart. Not much makes me happier than to see relationships restored to even better than new, but you and I both know that sometimes, that isn’t what ends up happening. Reconciliation is the act of settling or restoring differences. While a relationship will not always be salvaged, the spirit of reconciliation will ALWAYS reflect the heart of God. Read with me Romans 12:18.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Most people do not know the when for reconciliation, but the Bible does state two specific times:

When you have wronged another {Matthew 5:23-24}
When you have been wronged {Matthew 18:15-16}

In order to pave the road for reconciliation, you must 100% sincerely commit to forgive and be reconciled in the relationship. This does not need to go both ways, but your heart must be pure in motives and sincere. 1 Peter 3:9 says: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

With this in mind, use the following as guide in beginning to pave your road for reconciliation….

Prepare your heart for seeking reconciliation. Be willing to:

view the conflict as an opportunity for growth
learn what God wants you to learn
discover that you are partly at fault
expose your weakness
be open with your feelings
risk the relationship
accept a negative outcome
pray for God’s will to be done

Colossians 3:15

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body
you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Know that the refusal to seek reconciliation affects the intimacy of your relationship with God. Humble your heart and pray:

“Lord, I don’t want to be prideful and unbending”
“Lord, I want Your favor in my life, not Your disfavor”
“Lord, I want to reflect Your character and be open to reconciliation”

Matthew 5:9

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Seek forgiveness and apologize for words that have hurt the other person

“I have tried to see our relationship from your point of view”
“I realize I have been wrong in my attitude of _______”
“Will you forgive me”

Proverbs 6:2-3

you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth.
So do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands:
Go—to the point of exhaustion— and give your neighbor no rest!

Recognize the ground rules of communication:

Offer unconditional acceptance
Confront the problem, not the person
Listen without interrupting
Verbalize your feelings
Use words that build self-worth
Aim for mutual understanding
Give more than you take

Ephesians 4:2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Be kind and gentle

Don’t harbor resentment
Don’t make excuses for yourself
Don’t get drawn into arguments
Don’t fail to pray
Don’t have expectations of immediate acceptance

2 Timothy 2:24-25

And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome
but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.
Opponents must be gently instructed,
in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth

Reflect the character of Christ in ALL you do.

In order to prepare your heart to reflect the character of Christ, pray:

“Lord I die to my personal rights” {Galatians 2:20}
“Lord, I die to defending myself” {Psalm 28:7}
“Lord, I die to relying on my own abilities” {Proverbs 28:26}

Enlist a mediator if necessary

Pray for God to prepare the heart of your opposer for mediation
Seek a person whom your opposer can respect
You can say, “At times an outside person can have a different perspective that is more objective. Would you consider having a mediator help us think through our problems with the hope of reaching a successful end?”

Matthew 18:16

But if they will not listen, take one or two others along,
so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

Do not hold yourself responsible for the outcome

When reconciliation is refused, do not live with false guilt.
You cannot force reconciliation to occur
Everyone is individually responsible to God

Romans 14:12

So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.

Rest in the knowledge that you have done all that you can do to seek peace

Continue to show love and treat the other person with forgiveness
Thank God for giving you the desire to be at peace with everyone
Praise God for His commitment to orchestrate your own spiritual growth

Romans 12:18

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Dear P.S., if your efforts are refused, remember that if your heart has been repentant, you have God’s total forgiveness {1 John 1:8-9}. Be sure to pray for those who refuse reconciliation and for their unmet need {Matthew 5:44}. Know that God never leaves you when you suffer the loss of a close relationship {Psalm 34:18}. Be careful to control what you say about those who refuse reconciliation {Romans 12:14}. Do not be vengeful toward them.. in time, God deals with those who do wrong {Romans 12:19}. Know completely that God will bring something good out of the pain {Isaiah 43:18-19}.

In closing, my friend, please keep in mind that reconciliation is restoring a relationship based on restored trust. It requires repentance and is to be extended only when earned. Pray to God for discernment on this and I so hope that you will be able to use this as a guide when preparing your heart, mind, and spirit.

Blessings,

Coach Megan 🙂

Filed Under: Glorious Living w/ Coach Megan Tagged With: 1 John 1:8-9, 1 Peter 3:9, 2 Timothy 2:24-25, Christian walk, Christianity, Colossians 3:15, difficult relationships, Ephesians 4:2, family, Forgiveness, friendship, Galatians 2:20, Girlfriends Coffee Hour, Glorious Living with Coach Megan, Glory to Glory Christian Life Coaching, God, grief, Hope, hope through Chriist, hopeless, Isaiah 43:18-19, Matthew 18:15-16, Matthew 18:16, Matthew 5:23-24, Matthew 5:44, Matthew 5:9, peace, Proverbs 28:26, Proverbs 6:2-3, Psalm 28:7, Psalm 34:18, reconciliation, relationships, resentment, Romans 12:14, Romans 12:18, Romans 12:19, Romans 14:12, unforgiveness

Life’s Healing Choices: Chapter 6 – Make the Choice (pgs 182-186)

February 14, 2013 by Amy Butterfield

MAKE THE CHOICE: Repairing Relationships

“Today is a new day. Starting today, you can refocus your life on doing God’s will in your relationships” (Baker, 180)

I think we would all agree with John Baker’s assessment that broken relationships are the root of much of the pain we experience. The action steps this week allow us to move towards forgiving those who hurt us, and making amends with those we’ve hurt. Let’s explore how we can live unashamed, forgetting our troubles, full of hope and blessed (Job 11:13-10)

WRITE –
Throughout this study, we’ve taken a lot of time to write about our experiences, our actions, and our pain. I believe that writing gives us the opportunity to clearly see the thoughts that run through our minds, but by using both the thinking & writing tasks, it becomes more real to us. We take an active approach to the thoughts. We see it in black & white (or purple & white if you were to see my journal), and it’s no longer something hidden in the back corners of our lives.

Start out this week’s exercise by writing down a list of people who have harmed you in some way, and their relationship to you. Now, I’m not talking about the guy who cut you off on the road. It’s not the petty little stuff we’re dealing with here. Go back to your inventory lists from Chapter 4 if necessary. We are creating our Forgiveness List.

Once you have the list of people, or maybe just one person, describe what they said or did to hurt you. How did it make you feel? Dig deep and find the descriptive words for your feelings, don’t just say “angry” or “hurt”. Do you struggle with finding words to describe how you feel? You’re not alone! I know in counseling sessions, we were given charts & lists to help us as a family learn to communicate our feelings more clearly with one another. I found these links that might be helpful if you struggle in expressing words for your emotions:

http://www.professional-counselling.com/list-of-human-emotions.html

http://www.ami-tx.com/Portals/3/EmotionsFlyer.pdf (this is great picture chart for children!)

Now, let’s move to the Amends List. Write down names of those you’ve hurt or offended, and their relationship to you. As we did with the previous list, write down what you said or did to this person. How do you think this person felt? Why are you sorry for hurting this person? Do you stop to think about how your words or actions affect another person? So often we can point out every little offense of other people, but we dismiss what we did as nothing.

Baker gives a list of questions (p. 184) to help jump start your thinking if you’re struggling to think of those you have hurt:

Is there anyone to whom you owe a debt that you haven’t repaid?
Is there anyone you’ve broken a promise to?
Is there anyone you are guilty of controlling or manipulating?
Is there anyone you are overly possessive of?
Is there anyone you are hypercritical of?
Have you been verbally, emotionally or physically abusive to anyone?
Is there anyone you have not appreciated or paid attention to?
Is there anyone you have been unfaithful to?
Have you ever lied to anyone?

SHARE –
Our accountability partners will be crucial in this process. We do not want to run to someone who hurt us and put ourselves in a vulnerable position where we can be hurt again. In some instances, we will not actually face (or contact) the person we are forgiving because the risk of further harm is too great. Your accountability partner is there to talk with you, serve as a sounding board, and help guide your steps. Share your Forgiveness List with this person BEFORE you go to the one you are forgiving.

Also share your Amends List with your accountability partner, and work together to develop a plan to make amends with the people you have listed. It’s not about running out to accomplish all that we can as fast as we can. There will be an appropriate time, location, and way to manage this step. Your partner knows you and will help guide you to the best way to accomplish your task.

I shared with you on Sunday my lesson in forgiving others. This was an action I needed to do, not just because God expects this of me, but because my life & health depended upon it. Harboring the resentment and anger would have caused more harm in my life … my ability to love and trust others, my ability to demonstrate His love to my daughter, and my ability to draw close to Him. But outside of the day I spoke to the court, I did not face my ex-husband to have a personal conversation with him. It would have been inappropriate to do so. I do have fleeting moments today where I think I should write him a letter, but going through this study has shown that it would bring harm to him. I said what needed to be said years ago. To make contact now would only stir up the issues and the emotions. Deep down, the flesh side of me wants to show him how well we’ve done in the years since. But that’s not what God wants. Forgiveness has been given. It was spoken, it was done.

At this time, I can think of one other for whom I need to forgive, and as much as I’ve said over the years that I have forgiven him, this study has made me see that perhaps I really haven’t. If I have forgiven this person for his actions years ago, would it still bother me that I only hear from him on birthdays and Christmas? If I have forgiven him, would it bother me that I don’t often receive replies to emails? If I have forgiven him, would it annoy me that he doesn’t seem to interact with family in ways I feel would be more appropriate? If I have fully forgiven him, would I actually have this list of things that bother me so? Or am I just holding on too tightly to the emotions the memories evoke? Either way, I haven’t fully given the issue to God, and I believe this is the area I need to really explore more deeply.

Power Verses for Chapter 6:
Luke 6:31-37
Hebrews 10:24
Philippians 2:4
Romans 12:17-18
Matthew 5:23-24
1 Peter 5:10
Colossians 3:13
Romans 8:31
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Taken from the Celebrate Recovery Participant’s Guide 3, I want to share with you the following prayer to closer out this week’s activity:
Dear God, thank You for Your love, for Your freely given grace. Help me model Your ways when I make my amends to those I have hurt and offer forgiveness to those who have injured me. Help me to set aside my selfishness and speak the truth in love. I pray that I would focus only on my part, my responsibility in the issue. I know that I can forgive others because You first forgave me. Thank You for loving me. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

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If you would like to send Amy a private email in regards to this blog, please email her at: Amy@girlfriendscoffeehour.com

Filed Under: Victorious Healing Tagged With: 1 peter 5:10, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, Amy Butterfield, bible study, Colossians 3:13, Forgiveness, Girlfriends Coffee Hour, Hebrews 10:24, Job 11:13-19, John Baker, Life's Healing Choices, Luke 6:31-37, Matthew 5:23-24, Philippians 2:4, relationships, Romans 12:17-18, Romans 8:31, women's bible studies

Life’s Healing Choices: Week 6 – Repairing Relationships By Making Amends (pp175-181)

February 13, 2013 by Kim Spring

I made amends (or attempted to make amends) to someone I wronged, not directly, but by allowing others to do them harm and not stepping up and standing up for what is right. It’s just as wrong to stand by and watch someone you love take abuse at the hands of friends, both of our friends. It was a long time ago yet I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to make peace with her. To apologize for not standing up for her; for not stopping the madness but watching it happen, maybe even enjoying it. It didn’t turn out well—my amends. Venom spewed from her side and I was left with more questions than answers.

The incident was years ago but to her it may as well been yesterday. Aren’t mamas that way when their children get hurt? But amends aren’t about reactions, are they? They’re about action on our part. It’s about taking responsibility, and actually accepting, admitting what we did was wrong. We hurt someone else, whether sober or not, we did it. God calls us as His children to ask forgiveness from our peers. We may not get the warm fuzzies from the person we are apologizing to. We must not do this for ourselves or our own recognition, like “look how great Kim is for apologizing” or “Kim really has it together!” It’s been about us for so long. It’s time that it is about someone else or Someone Else. It’s time our lives reflect Whose we are. Now that we have established THAT we need to make amends, we have to look at HOW to go about it in a way that most represents God’s way.

Obviously we must spend more time in prayer over each one and let the Holy Spirit really guide and direct us on who we need to contact and how. (Don’t you love the “empty chair” approach and the “fake letter?”) Be careful though not to use these for the ones that deserve actual contact. The book gives us certain situations for which these methods are the only appropriate choice. This is between you and God. Use His guidance. First clear your mind, empty to fill, and let Him speak through you. Your day of freedom is here, deliverance from your regrets and mistakes. You’ve really allowed God to empower you to do the right thing—admit your wrongs.

From this point on, the past is the past and the future is wide open. The baggage of yesterday has been dropped. Oh yes, there will be more amends made along the way, and you will still have to apologize for mistakes to come and wrongs you will do, but the key now is not to hold resentments and to always promptly admit when you are wrong.

If you borrowed, return it. If you need to come clean with the law, do so. If you owe money, pay it. Let’s be who He created us to be and let’s be the light to others around us, who are still in darkness. We can guide others to Him by living our amends. For isn’t that the best way—to live out our apologies?

Let’s be different now and desire different lives than the old one. And most of all, may we desire what He wants for us! So, how ‘bout that list? Ready to start writing and righting?

Scriptures that apply:

Matthew 5:23, 24

Job 11:13,15 and 16

Hebrews 12:15

Romans 12:18

Luke 6:33

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Let’s Pray:

Dear Lord Jesus, we praise You. You never change. You’re the same yesterday, today and forever. Thank You for empowering us to do more than we ever could without You. Guide us as we make lists of our wrongs. May we repent and release them to You. Speak to us, remind us what relationships need repairing and then give us the words to speak and when. For You bring healing to all. You make all things new. The ones who refuse us, Lord, may we hand them over to You. We love You. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

Your Assignment:

Look up these verses and pray them to Him. Praying His word to Him is so powerful. Allow Him to speak through you as you make your lists and follow through with repairing relationships. Talk to your accountability partner about this. Let us know how it’s going! Remember we are praying for you!

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If you would like to email Kim directly in regards to this blog, please email her at Kim@GirlfriendsCoffeeHour.com

Filed Under: Victorious Healing Tagged With: 15-16, amends, Forgiveness, Girlfriends Coffee Hour, Hebrews 12:15, Jesus, Job 11:13, John Baker, Kim Spring, Life's Healing Choices, Luke 6:33, Matthew 5:23-24, recovery, righting wrongs, Romans 12:18, scripture, Victoriously Healing