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Bitterness, resentment and anger over unmet needs. These are all kindling for unforgiveness and I have gathered them all. When someone does something that hurts me, I am unable to tell them. Confrontation is too difficult for me. I am a “nice” person and a “nice” person does not argue or complain. That is unless you are my husband. When he does something to irritate me, I’m all about letting him know about it. It’s that “word” thing again! My mouth opens like a flood gate and all sorts of “you should’ve known better” and “you don’t care about me” accusations come bursting out. In the world, people say releasing that anger is cleansing. But not me. After I lose my temper I am left with feelings of guilt. I know I shouldn’t act that way and I am embarrassed of my actions. That guilt turns into resentment towards my husband because if he hadn’t made me mad in the first place, I wouldn’t be feeling so lousy now. So I stay angry, resentful and bitter and can’t even fathom forgiving my husband for making me angry.
Ugh. How exhausting that kind of marriage can be. So to change this endless cycle I have had to pray, and I’ve had to pray HARD because forgiveness is hard! When you feel jilted your human instinct is to get even, it’s the insult for insult, eye for an eye mentality. But God doesn’t want you to act like that. He wants you to give it to Him!
Especially when you are trying to speak with your unbelieving spouse. I recently had a discussion with a friend who is an unbeliever. I was astounded that he truly does not believe in God and I know he was just as perplexed with my views. It makes it very hard to have a civil discussion when both sides believe so strongly in their views, doesn’t it? Insulting, angry words will be tossed around, tempers will escalate, feelings will get hurt. Things may be said that are very hard to forgive. And like I said above, forgiveness is hard, but not if you ask God for his help. Turn to Him and tell him of your hurts and ask Him to help you forgive your husband. By turning to God you are given the power of the Holy Spirit and through Him you can do all things! Even forgive!
When you forgive you gain freedom. Freedom from the hurt feelings, freedom from the frustration and anger. He takes it all from you and leaves you free to just love your husband as he is, because after all, that is what God wants us to do. He doesn’t want you to worry about your unsaved spouse anymore. Leave that to God & be your husbands fine linen rope.
Let’s Pray:
Dear Lord, forgiveness is a hard thing to do, but we know how important it is, not only for a healthy marriage, but also for a healthy mind and body. Unforgiveness can eat away at us like a cancer if we let it. Reveal to us Lord the areas of unforgiveness in our marriage and help us to give them to You. Help us to heal from the past hurts and replace that pain with the feeling of freedom! In your precious name, Jesus, Amen.
Your Assignment:
Below I’d like you to talk about an area of unforgiveness in your marriage that you may be holding onto. We will all pray with you to release it to God!
Godspeed,
Sarah
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About Sarah Boyer
I know this is not exactly what you asked Sarah but this is something I struggled with for a long time. For years I struggled with unforgiveness for my husband in an area I felt he should be accountable even though we had discussed it many times and he seemed to let it go. Finally while doing the study we did last time God convicted me that I was holding back forgiveness because I wanted him punished!!!! I was hurt and thought he should suffer for it too! I did finally become obedient and told my husband. He cried and said he didn't realize how much it had hurt me and apologized, something he had not done in the past! I can't tell you how freeing that was! and my walk with the Lord was also strengthened as well. That old enemy likes to bring it up in my mind once in awhile and I still sometimes listen, but praise God I remember that He has freed me and has control of me! Thank you Jesus!!! And thank you Sarah for being honest in this subject, it is hard!!
Wow, Donna! You struck a nerve with me!! I think this subject was so hard for me because I have not truly let go of past hurts. I've over-looked them and moved on, promised not to bring them up ever again, but I don't think I've truly forgiven. And what you said may be why…I want those actions punished. You've given ME a lot to think & pray about! Thank you, Donna!!
Good points, Sarah. As for the assignment, I believe I have passed on forgiveness to my husband over the years, even when I felt he didn't deserve it. (ha) The reason I say that is I put myself through a living hell years ago toward another person who had hurt me badly. Once I finally forgave that person, it has been easier for me to quickly forgive others for two reasons: One, I never want to torture myself like that again, and two, I caught just a glimpse of what Christ has done for me, and I want to pass it on to others.
Absolutely, Martha! Just one look at how Christ has forgiven us should be enough to make us sit up and pay attention to the unforgiveness we are holding onto!
I thought I had forgiven my husband until I read today's lesson. While I may have forgiven him for past hurts I am holding on to my unmet needs for basic affection and love. "My legitimate needs were going unmet and when compared to other woman in marriage, I felt I had been cheated out of all marriage was suppose to be." This is where I am right now. The hurts go deep But today I will choose the hard work of forgiveness because God forgives me. I need Jesus to heal the emotional injuries to my soul.
Me too, Cynder! Praying with you, girlfriend!!
I would imagine that my worst area of unforgiveness in my marriage is when I feel disrespected by my husband. Such as when he cuts me off mid-sentence or when I feel that he is belittling my opinion. This is something that I have struggled with since before I was married. Now, thanks to this wonderful lesson and the fabulous women who wrote each part of it, I am trying full board to let God take care of the issues and just love my husband.
Oh ya, me too, Mandi!! Sometimes those little things add up to really big things! Glad you are letting God take care of those issues! It leaves a lot more time to just love! 🙂
I am actually praying for forgiveness from my husband as I am the one who needs to be forgiven. Again. I have an addiction issue that has never been really dealt with and fall into the same old habits and patterns that are destroying our family. I need freedom and my husband to forgive me instead of leaving. ugh. Please pray. Thank you!
I will certainly be praying for you, Nicole! It is just as hard to ask for forgiveness as it is to be the forgiver. Harder even! I pray for God's grace to be given to you & the freedom you are seeking to be released from your addiction.