November 22, 2024

Winning Him Without Words: When We Don’t Agree

This blog is brought to you today by Sarah Boyer & Christi Wilson

“How am I supposed to compete with that?” Do you ever say that when you see an ad with a Victoria’s Secret model or see a skinny young thing on TV with everything where it ought to be (thanks to Photoshop!)? I do. Today’s world places so much emphasis on youth and beauty; it is hard to not get caught up in the hype to look younger, thinner, and less wrinkly.

But what if your husband sees these same commercials and ads and starts to suggest that you wear skimpy outfits like those women. Or what if he subscribes to a certain type of magazine or visits sites online that portray women in sexual situations that you know are wrong and demoralizing, but your husband thinks would be fun? After all, the bible says to submit to your husband. But how far is too far?

I love how Lynn answers this tough question. You need to talk about setting boundaries in the bedroom. Your husband married you because he loves YOU, not what you can do for him sexually. He needs to respect your wishes and you need to do the same for him. But he can never expect you to do things you feel are inappropriate or make you feel ashamed.  If you sit down and talk about what you are both comfortable and not comfortable with, there can be no misunderstandings. No, it won’t be an easy conversation, but it is just as important as discussing money issues and child rearing methods. The marriage bed is supposed to be a comfortable and enjoyable place to be. Without setting boundaries, you won’t be able to relax and enjoy love making with your husband and that is not what God wants for you.

What if your husband calls you a “prude” because you are Christian?  You need to reassure him and tell him that God approves of sex between a husband and a wife and that you are not, nor will you ever become a prude because you are a Christian. Sex is a beautiful thing between a husband and wife. It is the most intimate way you can show your love for one another. There is no need to be prudish about sex with your husband. God designed us to be intimate with our spouses. He wants us to enjoy sex too! Read Song of Solomon if you doubt me! The whole book is dedicated to the story of pursuing love, expressing love, and enjoying love…being able to abandon ourselves to our husbands wholeheartedly and with passion, holding nothing back. That doesn’t sound like God wants us to be prudish to me!

I love what Lynn wrote at the end of this section:  Intimacy, love, sex, trust, forgiveness, commitment, respect – all of these are components of married love and are gifts from the Lord. Enjoy!

One more problem that can come up in our sex lives is agreeing on WHEN. As wives and mothers we are tired! We work full time jobs, we take care of the kids, we cook, we clean, and then at the end of the day we are expected to be enthusiastic lovers when we really want to just go to sleep. I understand, but getting into this pattern of work, cooking and cleaning, and taking care of kids puts your husband last on the list. Men are physical beings, connecting in the bedroom is how they express their most intimate love for you. You need to make an effort not to deny him. Yes we are tired, but you really need to make an effort to make time for love making with your husband. Remember when you were first married? Your guy was the most important thing in your life, next to God of course. Make an effort to rekindle those feelings for your husband and make time for him just like you did when you were newlyweds!

Godspeed,

Sarah

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For the last couple of days, we’ve been talking about the pleasures of the marriage bed.  But today, I want to add a little something to think about.

What about women who have sexless marriages?  For those marriages that have physical problems, maybe one spouse is physically incapable of having sex.  Is it okay that this marriage is sexless, if both parties agree that it’s okay?  Or is it a detriment to the marriage because it leaves room for temptation?

What about those women whose husband has no sex drive?  There are men out there who are unable to perform sexually due to medical reasons, but are unable to take certain medications because of other physical problems.  Is this sexless marriage okay?  Or does this leave room for temptation?

What about the couple that realizes that physical problems prevent them from having sex, but they are okay with it?  They love each other anyway.  Is that sexless marriage okay?

Sex is such an important part of marriage.  But we have to realize too, that there are reasons couples cannot have sex.  They may be able to do everything else, but unable to complete the lovemaking.  If this is truly acceptable to both parties, is this something God would approve?

We just have to keep these things in mind when it comes to having a satisfying sex life.  There are other ways of having a fulfilling sex life without intercourse.  I know this is bold, but it’s the truth.  If both couples agree to a sexless marriage, I personally do not feel there is anything wrong with this, especially when it comes to physical problems preventing it; but I do believe that both parties must be in total agreement with it.

Whatever you do, PRAY!  Pray the Word of God over your marriage, over your bedroom, over your bed, over your husband’s pillow.  As Sarah suggested above, take the book of Song of Solomon and pray it over you and your husband in 1st person, such as:  “(Spouse’s name) is my beloved, and I am (Spouse’s Name), and his desire is only for me.  And so on.  Read the whole book!  If you have to, read it out loud when you go to bed together!

Listed below are some good books that I would suggest for couples who are just struggling in the bedroom:  “Sex Begins in the Kitchen” by Dr. Kevin Leman  — “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman — “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Smalley – There are many other great books out there to choose from.

God bless,

Christi

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Let’s Pray:

Lord, sometimes as wives we view sex as a “have to” instead of a “want to” which creates a roadblock to our intimacy with our husbands. Please help us to remember that You intended sex to be a fun and loving activity with our husband. Help us to put away the stresses of life and enjoy our intimacy with our husbands. Let our intimacy bring us closer together and help us to stay connected. Remind us that You want us to enjoy sex with our husbands, giving our full abandon.

We pray for those marriages who are physically incapable of having sex.  We ask Lord that You give these couples creative ideas on fulfilling each other sexually.  In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

Your Assignment:

I would like you to describe below the best date you had with your husband while you were dating. As you write about it, remember how you felt on that date. Remember the anticipation you felt while getting all dolled up for your guy. Remember how he looked, and remember your feelings for him during that date. Write it all out and then as soon as possible, recreate that date!

 

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Winning Him Without Words: Bring on the Bedroom

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband. In the same way, the husbands body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent, and for a time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Cor 7:3-5
I’m just going to reiterate some of the things written in this part of our chapter:
* This verse, like Lynn says, is God’s perspective on intimacy in marriage. Intimacy is a gift from God, something that we share only with each other. Created by God for marriage.
* It is supposed to be a pleasurable thing for husband and wife.
*We need to make the effort.
Let’s face it when we got married all we wanted to do was make love, for the first few months that’s all we do! But then life gets in the way and intimacy goes on the back burner. We have children and jobs and we get tired after dealing with these things all day. This part of our marriage is important to both of us and we shouldn’t neglect it. That being said and so as not to re-write everything that was written in our study, I want to share with some practical  things with you so you can enjoy and anticipate this vital part of your marriage, making it fun as you do!
The first thing I would have you do is pray! This is important because it puts things into a biblical mindset for you and also gets your heart in the right place.
When I first got married a friend of mine, who had been married for some time, gave me this advice that someone had given her when she married. Write down all the things that attracted you to your husband when you first met and married. It may not all be physical. Just all the good qualities and things that made your heart melt at the sight of him. Then go back and read it often and especially when you know it’s been awhile and you need to be reminded. Then think on those things!
Text him at work or call and leave a message of love for him on his phone. Sometimes I leave a little sticky note in his lunch box for him to find.
Buy a new negligee once in awhile and wear it on a night when it’s least expected and surprise him. I guarantee he will be in the mood!
Make reservations at a restaurant you both like and take him out on a date. Date nights are usually planned by us; so be as creative as you can. Dress to the nines!!
A picnic in the country or at a park you like to go to, just the two of you.
Fom Christi:  There is a candle that I will suggest to you, also.  It’s a Woodwick Candle.  It actually has a wood wick, so when the wick is lit, it crackles while it burns, making it sound like a mini-fireplace!! 🙂  Use this candle, especially if you have children, as a signal to your spouse that you are interested in making love with him that night.  BOTH of you can use this candle in this way!  Light it earlier in the day, so it gives each other time to prep and get the kids taken care of, before that special time alone.
On a grander scale here are some things you can do that I have found are very nice, whether it’s your  anniversary or a special occasion or just because:
I kidnapped my husband once. A week ahead of time I made reservations for dinner and a hotel in the town where my husband works. Then I had a friend drive me to his work and drop me off at his car. I was dressed in heels and his favorite dress and smelled wonderful! I looked GOOD!! When he came out to his car and found me there he was so shocked. I took over the wheel of the car and drove us to the hotel where he showered and changed ( I had packed a bag for him). We went to dinner and just enjoyed being together and the night!!! It was great fun for both of us!
We usually go somewhere for a couple days for our anniversary every year. It usually in our home state, so we don’t go too far, staying at a B&B. We find lots of unique places and it’s something we plan together months in advance and look forward to.
We also make sure to take a weeks vacation together, just the two of us every summer. We plan ahead and make it special by doing something we individually like together for a day. He likes sports, I like shopping. So we each get to enjoy it together. I can handle it for one day and so can he.
Every five years or so we attend a marriage seminar of some sort. It refreshes you and reminds you to think of your marriage as a priority, And they usually touch on the subject of intimacy too.
Let’ face it, day to day life is sometimes boring and we can let that leak into our sex life as well. Plan ahead and think of your husband. Anticipation is the key for us. God intended for us to be intimate, and it’s a very special part of our marriage. Let’s try to keep it alive and well. God says it is good and we should enjoy it!!!
If you are interested in more Date Night / Romance ideas, and you belong to our Facebook Discussion Group, please check the Files section of your group!  There are a ton of great ideas in that section of our your group!
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Lets Pray:
God thank you for our spouses and our marriages. Help us to keep intimate with you and with each other. I pray that we would purpose to keep the intimate part of our marriage alive and well and honoring you. Remind us daily of our love for our husbands. Help us to be creative and loving in our planning for these times. Thank you lord of the gift of intimacy  with our husband. In Jesus name-Amen.
Your assignment:
I have shared a few things that I have done to keep our love alive in our marriage. What things, without giving too much detail, can you say you’ve done or are planning to do to help this part of your marriage to stay alive and well?  Maybe we can steal some of those ideas for ourselves!!!
Many Blessings,
Donna
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