Dear Coach Megan,
God has really been working in my heart lately and, whether I like it or not, He has shown me that I have a really critical spirit with the people closest to me. I don’t like it and I want to do my part to change, but I’m not sure where to begin. Can you help?
~ DJ
Dearest DJ…
In my experience, anyone with a critical spirit is an expert at finding fault and focusing on it! Bless you for not only admitting this, but being willing to let God in and work on your precious heart to make an impact {in a good way} on all the lives you touch! I pray that this blog post will be a blessing to you and your family, and I would love to hear how God fills your heart with His supernatural caring!
A critical spirit does not reflect the heart of the wise, nor does it reflect the heart of God. Jesus said, “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him” {Matthew 12:34-35}.
A critical spirit is an excessively negative attitude with harshness in judging. A person with a critical spirit gives unfair criticism by fault-finding, nit-picking, carping, quibbling, and complaining. The Bible is clear about those who are judgmental:
Romans 14:10
You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt?
For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat.
On the flip side… a caring spirit is a thoughtful, attentive attitude with a heart to help. One of the most important needs we all have is for someone to care about us; someone to be attentive to our dreams and disappointments, our joys and sorrows, our successes and failures, our strengths and weaknesses, our vices and virtues. How blessed we are when we have caring people in our lives! Those who have a caring spirit reflect the heart of our caring Savior.
Nahum 1:7
The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him
How to change your heart from critical to caring:
Identify your shortcomings {Psalms 139:23-24}
- Humble your heart to see your own sin, your imperfections, and your immense need for God’s mercy.
- Help others see their significance in God’s eyes.
- Pray: “Lord, may I see my sin as You see it…may I hate my sin as You hate it.”
Practice compassion for others {Colossians 3:12}
- Look closely at the life of Christ to learn His compassionate way of confronting the truth.
- Pray that you will not be a critical stone thrower, but a compassionate need-meeter.
Draw out the heartfelt needs of others {Proverbs 20:5}
- Don’t listen to only what people say on the surface. Listen for the needs and feelings beneath the surface… feelings of being unloved or feeling insignificant or insecure.
- Pray that God will give you a discerning spirit as you seek to draw others out.
Offer acceptance to others {Romans 15:7}
- Realize that everyone has an innate fear of rejection and a deep yearning for acceptance.
- Choose to be a channel through which God extends His acceptance to others.
See the God-given worth in others {Luke 12:6-7}
- Treat every person, especially the one most problematic to you, as someone with God-given worth. The truth judges our hearts, attitudes, and actions towards others.
- Pray that the Lord will not allow you to despise anyone whom He created and loves.
Praise the positives in others {Philippians 4:8}
- Avoid the temptation to try to catch people doing something wrong. Instead, comment on what they are doing right.
- Pray that you will see something positive in every person, then faithfully make that your focus.
- Pray that you would see others as God sees them and value them as He values them.
Refuse to wound others with words {Colossians 3:16}
- Consider the fallacy of the saying “talk is cheap.” Talk is costly when it tears others down. Prayerfully consider the possibility that what you are criticizing in someone may be something God wants to deal with directly, and that God may want you to pray and remain silent.
- Before speaking words of criticism, ask a wise friend to evaluate the content and tone of your words. Realize that after critical words are spoken, you can never take them back.
- Inspire those who need to change by sharing with them your belief that they can change. Encourage them by saying “Don’t give up. Trust God to guide you in the way you should go. I know you can make the right decisions. I believe you can experience God’s best!”
- Present your words to God as His instrument for good, and pray that He will put His words into your mouth.
See the unmet needs of others {Philippians 4:19}
- Instead of judging the inappropriate actions of others, seek to understand the need behind each action.
- Realize that people who speak forth cutting words reveal that they have unmet inner needs {for love, significance, or security.}
- Realize that people don’t always mean what they say nor understand their own deepest needs.
- Pray that your critics will allow the Lord to meet their deepest inner needs.
Rely on God’s Word and God’s Spirit for wisdom
- Seek God’s wisdom by reading a chapter a day from the Book of Proverbs.
- Write down every verse from Proverbs that pertains to the tongue. Check your words against this list and see if you are being wise with what you say.
- See God at work in every circumstance and trust Him for wisdom to know how to respond {wisdom is the ability to look at life from God’s point of view.}
- Pray that God’s Spirit will teach you spiritual truths and lead you to speak these truths in love.
1 Corinthians 2:13
This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom
but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words.
Blessings,
Coach Megan 🙂
