“You might be wondering why it seems to always be up to you to change, to give, to love. What about him? Doesn’t he have to do anything?” — p. 61
I have to admit something to all of you.
This is the single hardest section for me in the book thus far.
Do you want me to “get real” with all of you? Here are the ugly, selfish thoughts that ran through my head while reading this section: Why do I always have to give and give without ever getting anything in return? Will I always live in this continual bout of frustration? Why won’t my husband ever see that I am hurting? Why won’t he anticipate my needs? Why do I have to cater to HIS needs while mine remain unmet? Why won’t he help me in my times of need?
Why me, why me, why me?
Ugh, I sound pathetic just writing that out. And part of me wants to go back and rewrite it so I sound better.
But they are real feelings and until I can admit them to myself (and you admit them to yourself, whatever your ugly, selfish feelings may be), we cannot conquer them with truth from God’s Word:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
My thoughts certainly are not patient nor kind. In fact, my thoughts are rather rude and self-seeking. My Life Application Study Bible has this note for these verses:
Our society confuses love and lust. Unlike lust, God’s kind of love is directed outward toward others, not inward toward ourselves. It is utterly unselfish. This kind of love goes against our natural inclinations. It is impossible to have this love unless God helps us set aside our own natural desires so that we can love and not expect anything in return. Thus, the more we become like Christ, the more love we will show to others.
The selfish feelings we experience are normal. It is only with God’s help that we can love without expectation. God knows our every need. God knows every ache of our heart. God knows every desire of our soul. I am here to tell you, as hard as this is to grasp, God is the only one who can meet your every need. If you continue to rely on your husband to meet your every need, you will always be disappointed, because your husband is not God.
Last week we learned that we have to release the control of our husband’s salvation to God. This week, God revealed an even more important truth to me. I need to take my husband off the throne. I must ensure that I am not making my husband the God of my life. He is not there to meet my every need, to serve my every whim. He is my helpmeet, my partner, my friend. He is only a man. As much as I would like him to be, he is not on this earth to serve me. Once God gets him, his function in life will be to serve the Lord first and foremost.
It is not about me.
This week, let us focus on learning from Jesus about true, biblical love. Let us set our desires aside and look to God for the true meaning of love. The kind of love He has for us – that no matter what we do or where we go, He still pursues us and loves us and wants to draw us to Himself. The kind of love that is patient and kind; not envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered, or keeps record of wrongs. A love that rejoices with the truth, protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
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Let’s Pray:
Lord, we come to you this day asking you to teach us about biblical love. Show us how to set aside our expectations and selfishness and to focus on loving others like you love us. Reveal to us in your personal way, through people placed in our path or through your Word, what we need to learn and what steps we need to take. Father, I also ask that you help us to take our husbands off the throne if we have made them an idol in our lives. Help us to place you firmly in that spot and to be able to show grace and compassion upon our husbands today. In Jesus name, Amen.
Your Assignment:
What is one intentional thing you can do for your husband today without expecting anything in return? (Remember, if you post it, really try to commit to not expecting your husband to give you anything in return – even a thank you! Do it out of love for God and for your husband.)
Many blessings to you,
Jennifer
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i am appreciative of your words, jennifer, that you loved enough to share your heart like that…i am humbled by God's graciousness to me. through your words, He has ministered to my need. <3
Aw, thanks Coleen. I'm glad the Holy Spirit spoke to you today. I have to admit, this was the toughest post yet that I wrote!! I'm happy you were blessed by it.
It's good to see that we aren't the only ones who think "Why Me"! You hit the nail on the head honey! God IS the only one who can meet our needs…our EVERY need! And yes, it is so important to not make our husband the god of our lives, and keep him so high on that pedestal!!! You said it perfectly, Jennifer! GREAT post!
Yes, Christi, yes! God spoke to me so clearly as I was writing this post. "Why do you look to your husband to meet all of your needs when I am right here?" Ouch!!! Definitely took some time to ponder that one!!
Greast blog Jennifer!!!!!! I will serve my husband with gladness today, not just because it's his birthday, but because I want to seve him as unto God! My husband has a sevants heart and always serves me! Thank you Jennifer!!!
Happy Birthday to your hubby!!! I hope you both have a fabulous day together celebrating his special day!!
Oh ya! I am very guilty of placing my husband on the throne instead of God, but I've learned so far in this study to put it the other way around. God on the throne, my husband beside God.
I also do things for my husband in hopes of receiving his praise, thanks and adoration. I am always disappointed when he is not as grateful as I wanted him to be. This week I will continue to do the things I do for my husband, but I will do them out of love and not expect anything in return.
Thanks, Jennifer for such an honest and eye opening post!!
Me, too, Sarah. I expect to hear nice, uplifting comments, too, and when they don't come, I feel sad. But we can turn our thinking around with God's help! (Romans 12:2)
This is a great post Jennifer! Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable.
I spent almost all of this past Sunday feeling sorry for myself – those ugly thoughts in my head like the ones you mentioned. Why do I have to do all the laundry, why is he sitting on the couch while I do the grocery shopping, cooking…on and on. Then, whack, I went to do my reading assignment and this chapter smacked me upside the head. Could God have been more clear? I was being selfish and condemning towards my husband (in my head) and I had been considering all day whether I should say something to him about it or not.
After the readings so far this week, I realize that I need to remember it's not all about me and that I need to practice loving him better and stop expecting him to fill all my needs. Next time I feel that way, I am going to go have quiet time with God and ask him to forgive me and show me how to love like he has called me to. I have a lot of work to do.
Sherrie, what a beautiful testimony! We are all a "work-in-progress" for sure!! I'm so glad this week's study spoke to you in a profound way and helped you to change some of your thinking already!
I will say "YES" without asking "why" like I typically do…that will be major for me…and I WILL do this, not just write down that I am….thanks Jennifer for the reminder of who our husbands are and aren't
ha! You've got this, Beverly! 🙂 I tend to question everything, too… it is not always a bad thing, but I need to realize what the important issues are that truly need to be questioned and what I can just let go..
Thank you Jennifer. I could have penned these words as well.i too am so guilty of looking to my husband to meet my needs when that isn't his job. I am working on retraining my thinking to look to The Lord to meet my needs & pursue my happiness through the transforming power of Jesus in me. I need to remember I have the power of the Holy Spirit within me. I try to have a servants heart but sometimes the lack of appreciation & response overwhelm me. This week I will look at serving as kindness in action & choose to serve without expectations or hopes of receiving anything in return. I can do anything with Christ as my strength. Awesome blog <3
Amen!! We can do anything through Christ who gives us strength! You can do this!!!
Romans 12:2 is a great verse to study, too! It's also my life verse.
Great blog, Jennifer, and yes, I had a struggle with constanctly feeling "why me, why do I have to do all the changing. But, I found out the more I just went ahead and did it, it relieved a lot of stress off of me. Now, mind you, I am not there, because He keeps on showing me more ways I need to change. What I am trying to do for my husband right now is to have a gentle and quiet spirit – -in other words, keep my mouth shut more than usual. You really hit a lot of points on the head – -great insight.
I loved this section because in the harsh reality of life it reminded me that I am not perfect. When my marriage came apart my initial reaction was to blame him. In the light of reality God taught me that I had my own faults and my own part in all things. In God's awesome way he took this imperfect woman and remade her. I understand the clay story & the refiring stories but most of all the renewing and restoring to life is where my heart finds joy and peace. I no longer ask why me but I say Lord I am open to you teach me. It really makes a huge difference in the way I see life now & I know it helps demonstrate that you can not only Win him without words but others too.
I can intentionally help him remember to take his medication and insulin without expecting a thank you.
It is already late in the day but I am going to try to make sure all the dishes are done that is something he really likes to be done. (we don't have a dishwasher besides me) Also, getting him with a smile when he gets in from doing a side job 🙂