“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.”
Lamentations 3:40 NIV
Two years ago when I went into recovery, I entered into AA as part of an out-patient hospitalization. I came to the part of needing to write an inventory of my resentments. At that time, I had pages and pages that piled up so high I thought this whole step would be impossible. I rushed through them leaving out important details. I could not face them all, especially the REALLY PAINFUL ONES. The really painful ones showed like movie reruns in my mind. I also experienced physical symptoms such as a racing heart, difficulty breathing, chills, smells, and vivid details. These physical symptoms caused me to run from them even faster because every time I thought of the place or person I felt like it was happening to me all over again. Finally when I could hit “pause” on the movies (my life), I would take those people and places and kick them into that corner of my closet and cover them with all kinds of pretty stuff so I would not have to look at them anymore. If I don’t see them, then they can’t hurt me right? LOL!
Today I have only a few on that list because I have not totally surrendered them over to the Lord. The resentments I did give over to Him were healed and I became set free in a very powerful way that only God can do. Why I did not do this with all of them, I still ask myself that question. God took many of my resentments and showed me just how powerful He is by healing them so quickly. In my heart, I believe He was showing me proof of who He is and what He does. Some healed slower and hurt in the process. I am not going to lie, it was not fun. It was hard. I remember sitting on the couch scared and not trusting that God could take those things from me, but He did.
But unfortunately today, I still have a few I just have not fully dealt with and want to store them away in that dark corner in my closet. I don’t even want to see an edge of one sticking out. This realization shows me it’s time to do something about it. I started writing down each of these resentments that I’m allowing control over me today. My new list is much shorter today than my first one from two years ago. There are a few people, places, and events that I have been resenting, causing me anger, hurt, and fear that just won’t leave me alone. They have caused a lot of damage over the years to my thinking, attitude, relationships and self-worth. I would say the HARDEST part of this section has been writing down and owning up to my part. This is not easy at all! Yes, I have been severely hurt, but in each item on my list, I see that I have sinned also, and I am responsible for things I have done. “The Lord gave us a mind and a conscience. We cannot hide from ourselves” (Proverbs 20:27). I cannot keep blaming others, rationalizing, and deceiving myself any longer.
I would like to briefly share a resentment of a place and event I have written down on my list. About six years ago, my doctors suggested having shock therapy for my major depression/bipolar illness. This was a last resort because nothing else worked, such as medications, hospitalizations, and psychotherapy. Wanting to die, I was desperate and decided to get started. My shock treatments consisted of twenty-five treatments. My husband had to take off work and also drive me two hours each time to the hospital. There were times our girls had to come along for the ride and had to wait on me for hours until my treatment was finished. Some weeks they had to stay with friends and family. Our girls also had to witness me confused as a side effect from shock treatment and having memory loss. Are you hearing my guilt I have been feeling for years right now?
As a result of my guilt, I have been parenting out of guilt. I have for years felt like a horrible mother who subjected our children to trauma over the years witnessing a sick mom who went to the hospital frequently and being sad a lot. I have felt guilty for so long I have actually believed my illness is my fault. I carry that guilt around with me every single day. It effects the way I parent, it affects me when I see the road sign of that hospital, it affects me when I read the word ECT (electro-compulsive therapy/shock treatment), it affects me when I see electrodes hooked up to people at the hospital, and all the details of the actual event. This whole situation and guilty feelings from it have consumed me for years.
Today I am ready to ask for forgiveness and be set free! “If we freely admit that we have sinned, we find God utterly reliable and straightforward-He forgives our sin and makes us thoroughly clean from all that is evil” (1 John 1:9). I have been sinning by not forgiving myself. I have been consumed with fear continuing to let these past events hurt me deeply over and over again. The really exciting news is by confessing this, sharing this, God will forgive me! “Come now, let’s settle this,” says the LORD. Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool” (Isaiah 1:18). I don’t have to bribe Him, or beg Him to forgive me; I just have to believe He will.
Are you ready to Move Past Guilt? Are you ready to take this step and transform your life? Take this step and get ready for God to do really great things in your life. Let’s get to work and start taking a personal inventory.
M – Make time to begin your inventory
O – Open your heart and your mind
R – Rely on God’s grace
A – Analyze your past, honestly
L – List both the Good and Bad choices and events in your life
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Let’s Pray:
Father God, we desperately need You. Lord, how incredible it is to believe that our sins are covered and our guilt has been forgiven! Lord, through this study, continue to reveal to us what makes You sad and lead us along the path of everlasting life. (Psalm 139:23, 24 TBL) Lord, please give strength to everyone ready to make a change in their lives. Please give us courage to confess faults and come clean. Father, we are all so ready to let You set us free from our hurts, hang-ups, and habits.
Your Assignment:
Make some time to be alone with no interruptions. Open up your heart and mind to let God reveal what you need to see. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test my thoughts. Point out anything You find that makes You sad and lead me along the path of everlasting life” Psalms 139:23, 24.
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Leslie@GirlfriendsCoffeeHour.com
