Working as a hospice Bereavement Counselor, I have heard and seen stories like Lisa’s numerous times. These stories do not cease to touch my heart. But I have seen stories of forgiveness have two different outcomes as well.
There are two decisions that can be made in a situation such as the one depicted in this chapter.
1. Forgive
2. Don’t forgive
As a Bereavement Counselor I have the opportunity to speak with some of the most interesting individuals I have ever met. Our patients have lived full lives, raised families, and created legacies. When working with our patients and their families all too often we are faced with issues of unforgiveness—either on the side of the patient or on the side of their family. I have seen unforgiveness lead to children not visiting their parent as they die. I have seen unforgiveness breed words of hurt and hate; open wounds that were thought closed; and cause those wounds to go unhealed…opportunities gone.
I have also seen forgiveness build bridges, heal hearts, and create new beginnings and new opportunities. Relationships restored and mended. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing! It is a beautiful gift that we are given by God to have relationships with others after our flesh and the world has tried to corrupt them.
Forgiveness is the remission of sins.
For it is by this that what has been lost,
and was found, is saved from being lost again.
–Augustine (pg.205)
Lisa questions how forgiveness impacted her father that night she went to go see him, she doesn’t know exactly what happened, what he was thinking? But, she did know that God moved that night. Her willingness to forgive, her willingness to pick up that sword and walk forward with God by her side made a difference in her father’s life. It made a difference in her life and it made a difference in the life of the social worker who cared for her dad. She didn’t know what forgiving her father would do but she knew that it was something that needed to be done.
We don’t know what events will follow after we choose to say ‘yes‘ to God, we don’t know what will happen after we pick up that sword of forgiveness and carry it with us on our journey. We don’t know what will happen after we forgive that mother, that father, the brother, sister, friend, whomever it may be. But what we do know is after we forgive, after we lay the issue at God’s feet and allow love to fill the space where the unforgiveness lived, that God will take over, He will fulfill the promises He made regarding those relationships before they were even formed.
Lisa’s forgiveness of her father and his actions was a gift—a gift to her father and a gift to herself. Like Lisa said in this section “God is faithful.” We are to forgive, and He will handle the rest.
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Let’s Pray:
Dear Heavenly Father,
Forgiveness is at times made to seem to sound so easy; but, Lord, You know that it can be hard. Lord, it takes faith and strength and trust in You. Stories like Lisa’s are beautiful and heartwarming. Please touch the hearts and lives of the women here who are dealing with the issue of forgiveness. Please soften our hearts and give us the strength to lay the pain at Your feet, the strength to pick up our sword of forgiveness and walk forward with You by our side. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
About Tonya Ellison
Lisa (p.202) found one good thing about her dad and expressed it out loud to herself and to him. I believe that made a difference, it softened their hearts and helped pave the road to forgiveness. I’ve tried to practice this in my life, and it does shine a different light (His light) on the person so I can see her as Christ sees her and forgiveness becomes possible.
One thing that I try to remember to pray about when I’m faced with needing to forgive someone is that I see that person through God’s eyes, I know that if I look at them with mine, that I probably wont be able to forgive them.
Tonya, I am intererested in your work as a bereavement counselor. You must see a lot of interesting things going on between families – -the good and the sad as you mentioned. I am sure God is using you in a mighty way in that capacity. Be blessed.
I love what I do, it’s hard at times but it is rewarding and I have learned so much. I work with a local hospice and end-of-life counseling is interesting at times. Before I go see a client or a family I pray that God use me how He wants. 🙂
Tonya, I too as a nurse have seen unforgiveness in families. No one is perfect and we need to love past our own feelings!! Like Cheryl said yesterday unforgiveness is ugly and breeds bitterness. Jesus wants to set us free!! Not be a victim or be imprisoned by our thoughts.
“No one is perfect and we need to love past our own feelings!!” I say this so many times in a week, it is so true, and sadly a lot of people don’t realize it until their loved one is gone. Like you said, Jesus wants us to be free, we only need to say yes to forgiveness.
I, like Lisa had to get passed the feelings of having an unloving father. I spent years working on it and arrived almost 20 years ago. I am so glad that I did. My father is different now even though he hasn’t really changed much. He is almost 87 years old and he still walks, still goes out on the lake in his boat, tends to his small garden, takes care of his house the best he knows how, and has a girlfriend. He knows who I am and we talk on the phone, but until I let go of the anger I was truly unable to carry on a conversation that did not spike anger in me. I am proud to say that when he passes I will not be standing over his grave with regrets. My heavenly Father is the greatest, He taught me to let this man be who he is and that He will take care of him. I am so thankful that I listened. These last 20 have been good even though I don’t get to see him much, I talk to him often though.
I love your testimony, it is proof that when we forgive someone we open the door to healing in our own life. We forgive others for our own wellbeing as well as theirs. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Tonya, this is one of your best blogs to date! I love how you share from your perspective as a bereavement counselor. I love this: “…after we forgive, after we lay the issue at God’s feet and allow love to fill the space where the unforgiveness lived, that God will take over, He will fulfill the promises He made regarding those relationships before they were even formed.
Lisa’s forgiveness of her father and his actions was a gift—a gift to her father and a gift to herself. Like Lisa said in this section “God is faithful.” We are to forgive, and He will handle the rest.” I’ve always looked at forgiveness as an act of obedience and love, but, Lisa Bevere gave me a new perspective: forgiveness is a holy offering to God.
Thank you. 🙂 I like you was always taught that forgiveness was an act of obedience but sometimes it takes others, like Lisa to shine a different light on it.
Several weeks before my mother died, I am embarrassed to say today, we got into a huge argument with each other. She said some pretty awful things that day, and I left saying I was done. I had no intentions of returning to her home again, nor did I intend to attend her funeral. Yes, it was that bad!! I left there with so much hurt, anger and bitterness in my heart. I had so many times like this with her in my life growing up, that I told myself I was done with her. I was never going to see her again.
Several weeks later, I was still carrying this huge burden, and I just had to do something about it. I knew God was telling me that I needed to forgive her, but I just had a heck of a time doing it. Finally, I broke down and asked a friend to pray with me. She opened in prayer, and she immediately said, “Lord Jesus, you know the situation between Christi and her mother, and how hard it is for her to forgive her mom right now. Lord, you forgave us of all our sins. Your grace covered us when we certainly did not deserve it.” As she prayed on, I tuned completely out because I was stuck on the last sentence that I had heard…”Your grace covered us when we certainly did not deserve it.”
At the time, I was the President of a local christian motorcycle chapter. The name of that chapter was “Soldiers of GRACE.” I felt God saying to me, “You are a soldier of GRACE! I showed you grace when you didn’t deserve it. You need to show your mom grace even when she doesn’t deserve it. It’s what I have called you to do!”
My mom and I had one of those love/hate relationships. I loved her with all my heart, but when we had an argument, it was usually a pretty big one that ended with neither one of us speaking to each other for quite a while.
Not this time though. I took what I heard the Lord said, and I went back to Tennessee for her birthday on October 31st. I tried telling her I loved her many times, but she never spoke the words back to me. I could have chosen to just say “FINE! Be that way!! I’m out of here!!” But instead, I chose to continue to show her love and grace, even though my head was telling me she didn’t deserve it. Jesus was telling me it didn’t matter what she did or said to me, at that time. I was to continue to show her love and grace until she was gone.
24 days later, my Mom died.
When I went to her funeral, I was able to attend with no guilt, or ill feelings toward her. I loved her as I had all my life. God’s grace covered my sin of anger and bitterness toward her. God’s grace that I shared with her until she was gone was just what she and I needed before she passed on. We were finally able to say I love you…I forgive you, and I will miss you terribly Mom!
I miss my Mom so bad sometimes. I miss her silliness, and her goofy ways that she had that made others laugh. She was my best friend. I knew I could talk to her about anything, and she never judged me. She may not have a Christian life, but I know she did the best she knew how to do.
She left this earth struggling. She was not ready to die. The last 24 hours of her life was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. She was literally fighting for her life. Fluid had begun to fill her lungs, and doctors said she would be gone within the next 24 hours. She was suffocating to death. It was the most horrible thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I never want to see anything like that again!!
Because of God’s grace, I was able to hold her hand till the end. I was able to hug her and continue to tell her “Everything will be okay Mom. Go in peace.” The hospice nurse said out of all of her 28 years as a hospice nurse, she had never seen anyone fight death as bad as she had. She told me that usually when someone is fighting death that bad, they have left something undone. I believe my Mom was just not ready to die. She was young for her age, and had so much life left to live. She was not ready to die, at all.
At her funeral, I felt God tell me to sing a portion of a song that my mom wrote several years ago. I have always been embarrassed to sing in front of others, but that day, I did it for her.
I said goodbye to her that day and felt a peace that I know without a doubt had I not walked in grace and love toward her like God was telling me to do, I would not have been able to be there that day, let alone feel the peace that I was feeling.
Forgiveness and grace…two gifts that God has given us through the life of Jesus Christ.
Forgiveness and grace…two gifts I was able to give to my mom before she passed on. The gift was a huge blessing to me, as well.
Wow, thank you, Christi, for sharing this very personal story. What a message of grace you learned and have now passed onto us!