I will sacrifice a free-will offering to you;
I will praise your name, O Lord, for it is good.
Psalm 54:6
In this section Dineen shares with us a different kind of Valentine’s Day present she gave to her husband. Instead of chocolates and a card, she made a list of things that she would NOT do to her husband anymore. I did this for my husband as a Christmas gift last year. My list was pretty similar to Dineen’s and I bet as appreciated by her husband as it was mine! Let’s review Dineen’s list.
No Nagging!
Oh ya! This is a big one for a lot of us. It starts out as us asking for a favor from our husband and expecting them to do it for us. Then it turns into a constant “did you do so & so for me? I’ve asked you 20 times, can’t you remember? I don’t ask for much…” and so on. It sounds so ugly in print, imagine what it sounds like to our husbands. I am so guilty of this. And I’m good about playing that martyr card too! “I don’t ask for much, can’t you just do this one thing for me without me having to remind you over and over?” To fix this, Dineen started writing her husband reminder notes. This is a great idea and seemed to work really well for her and her husband! He didn’t have to hear her “nag” him about something over and over and she didn’t have to stress out about asking the same favor over and over. She just had to remind him of his list…gently! 😉 This turned her into his helper instead of his “nag”! Genius!
No Expectations
We’ve talked about this one quite a bit, and rightly so because it is so important. Sometimes we place such high expectations on our husbands that we are setting them up to fail. There is no way they can read our minds and know exactly what we want them to do or say. Speaking from my own experience, holidays were killer for us. I expected a pretty surprise every holiday, birthday and anniversary. I didn’t want to tell him what I wanted, I wanted to be surprised. That is the romantic in me! He would continually tell me that he’d rather I just tell him what I would like and he’d get it for me. I’d pout and say “that’s no fun!” but when it came time to open gifts and I was less than thrilled to open my vacuum cleaner, he proved his point. He saw a need of mine and thought he was doing good. I saw the most unromantic gift in the world. So now I make a list of 3 things for him to choose from. He has a guide to go by and I still have the element of surprise!
Okay, so I was using a funny example of not setting high expectations on your husband, but in seriousness, it really isn’t fair to him. When you are in a spiritually mismatched marriage, you can’t expect your husband to see the world as you do. Like Dineen says, you need to remember he doesn’t have the same belief system you do. You can’t expect him to think the same as you because his definition of right and wrong is measured more towards worldly things. He knows stealing is wrong, but not because it’s a sin, but because it is taking something that does not belong to him. You do need to respect his way of thinking if you expect him to respect your ways. Together you can talk and compare your ideas and I can guarantee both of you will learn something.
No False Assumptions
For the “Winning Him Without Words” Bible Study, you will need the book, your Bible, pen or pencil, a highlighter and a quiet place. You can order the book right through our website by clicking the “sign-up here” button at the top of our webpage; which is also where you can sign up to participate in this awesome bible study!
About Sarah Boyer
this post sure will rock your world!!! I LOVE IT!!!! If you want different results, you have to be willing to change and do things differently <3 God galls us to live intentionally <3 Praying for all of our friends today <3
Yes he does, Megan! And I pray I can do a better job!! 😉
My list begins quite easily: no nagging, no nitpicking, and no critiquing. These areas seem to be the most common things that I do to my husband. Though, I don't nag verbally, I do nag via post it notes around the house. This actually drives my husband crazy. He has voiced this quite a few timmes.
Mandi, your post made me smile. My husband is the post it note King & I find myself rolling my eyes at him when I get one of his notes! BUT, having said that, I am SO forgetful that I really do appreciate those notes! Maybe if you talked to your husband you could ask him how he would prefer to be reminded of something so you didn't have to feel like you were nagging him.
yay, sarah! thanks for encouraging and directing us (along w/dineen!) to focus the change on us…we CAN do something about that, right? i have a list that i keep in my planner of 'heart' things i am endeavoring to change…and for accountability, robert knows it is there, too. it mostly works 'cause it is constantly in front of my face! y'know, i think that i will add a line, "…love, honor, cherish…" thanks, sarah! may God bless each of our efforts today! <3
Coleen! That is awesome! I love the idea of the accountability list!! What a great idea! And you are right, we have the power here b/c we CAN change us, with God's help b/c we will for certain need it. But I've been saying all along, if we make an effort to change us, it will be noticed and we will then see changes in our husbands! <3
it IS nice when it gets noticed…but i have to make sure i don't even look for that to happen…too much of a trigger for me! <3
I want to stop assuming that he knows what I want or how I feel and tell him instead!!!! This was a great post Sarah!
Thank you, Beverly! I think they really appreciate just being told!
I just love this post, Sarah! This is one of my favorite parts: "Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It is a gift to YOU from God. When you allow yourself to forgive someone for hurting you, it frees you from that hurt. You cannot dwell on it anymore or think back to it from time to time. Let it go and move on so YOU can be happy again. When you hold a grudge, you aren’t hurting the person who hurt you. They’ve moved on long ago! When you hold a grudge the only person you are hurting is yourself."
I like how you put these words: "When you ALLOW yourself to forgive…" I like to hold onto the hurt and let it germinate until it festers into resentment. Not good! God's been working on me there for a while now. I definitely have lots of things to work on, but He and I are doing it together! 🙂
Amen, Jennifer! Forgiveness is another one of those gifts God gives us, but we are the ones that have to open it & use it! It feels SO good to forgive and move on!! 🙂
Sarah, great blog! i just read it. I am backed up still around here and just now trying to catch up. Wow, let me see, nagging, yes, my hubby is good to point this out to me, and the nit picking I do quite well. Arguments, I bring up the past all the time and no it doesn't do any good at all. I am not good at forgiving at all, I can go for days and not talk to my husband, poor guy there are times I can make his life heck!!
Yesterday wow I did good. He always has to do things his way and I get so upset but yesterday I finally said "fine do what you want I'm out of it, keeping my mouth shut" Um that's a hard one for me! I did it too! lol! No nagging, no fighting!! Otherwise it would have turned into another day! I'm good at that! Right now I am trying to work on the no nagging and forgiveness which is a hard one for me!!
Good for you Patricia!! Love how honest you are too!! The more you hold your tongue and think of other ways to voice your opinion, the happier you & hubby will be! 🙂
I have a list of things I want to quit doing to my husband as well and the biggest is "mothering" him.. LoL. I struggle with this daily even after 29 years of marriage. Thanks to the book, I am learning more and more. My husband is a beliver but even so, I am still enjoying the book.
I think we all have the tendancy to mother our husbands. It's in our nature!! 🙂
The book is wonderful for all types of marriages, isn't it!!