This blog is brought to you today by Sarah Boyer & Christi Wilson
“How am I supposed to compete with that?” Do you ever say that when you see an ad with a Victoria’s Secret model or see a skinny young thing on TV with everything where it ought to be (thanks to Photoshop!)? I do. Today’s world places so much emphasis on youth and beauty; it is hard to not get caught up in the hype to look younger, thinner, and less wrinkly.
But what if your husband sees these same commercials and ads and starts to suggest that you wear skimpy outfits like those women. Or what if he subscribes to a certain type of magazine or visits sites online that portray women in sexual situations that you know are wrong and demoralizing, but your husband thinks would be fun? After all, the bible says to submit to your husband. But how far is too far?
I love how Lynn answers this tough question. You need to talk about setting boundaries in the bedroom. Your husband married you because he loves YOU, not what you can do for him sexually. He needs to respect your wishes and you need to do the same for him. But he can never expect you to do things you feel are inappropriate or make you feel ashamed. If you sit down and talk about what you are both comfortable and not comfortable with, there can be no misunderstandings. No, it won’t be an easy conversation, but it is just as important as discussing money issues and child rearing methods. The marriage bed is supposed to be a comfortable and enjoyable place to be. Without setting boundaries, you won’t be able to relax and enjoy love making with your husband and that is not what God wants for you.
What if your husband calls you a “prude” because you are Christian? You need to reassure him and tell him that God approves of sex between a husband and a wife and that you are not, nor will you ever become a prude because you are a Christian. Sex is a beautiful thing between a husband and wife. It is the most intimate way you can show your love for one another. There is no need to be prudish about sex with your husband. God designed us to be intimate with our spouses. He wants us to enjoy sex too! Read Song of Solomon if you doubt me! The whole book is dedicated to the story of pursuing love, expressing love, and enjoying love…being able to abandon ourselves to our husbands wholeheartedly and with passion, holding nothing back. That doesn’t sound like God wants us to be prudish to me!
I love what Lynn wrote at the end of this section: Intimacy, love, sex, trust, forgiveness, commitment, respect – all of these are components of married love and are gifts from the Lord. Enjoy!
One more problem that can come up in our sex lives is agreeing on WHEN. As wives and mothers we are tired! We work full time jobs, we take care of the kids, we cook, we clean, and then at the end of the day we are expected to be enthusiastic lovers when we really want to just go to sleep. I understand, but getting into this pattern of work, cooking and cleaning, and taking care of kids puts your husband last on the list. Men are physical beings, connecting in the bedroom is how they express their most intimate love for you. You need to make an effort not to deny him. Yes we are tired, but you really need to make an effort to make time for love making with your husband. Remember when you were first married? Your guy was the most important thing in your life, next to God of course. Make an effort to rekindle those feelings for your husband and make time for him just like you did when you were newlyweds!
Godspeed,
Sarah
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For the last couple of days, we’ve been talking about the pleasures of the marriage bed. But today, I want to add a little something to think about.
What about women who have sexless marriages? For those marriages that have physical problems, maybe one spouse is physically incapable of having sex. Is it okay that this marriage is sexless, if both parties agree that it’s okay? Or is it a detriment to the marriage because it leaves room for temptation?
What about those women whose husband has no sex drive? There are men out there who are unable to perform sexually due to medical reasons, but are unable to take certain medications because of other physical problems. Is this sexless marriage okay? Or does this leave room for temptation?
What about the couple that realizes that physical problems prevent them from having sex, but they are okay with it? They love each other anyway. Is that sexless marriage okay?
Sex is such an important part of marriage. But we have to realize too, that there are reasons couples cannot have sex. They may be able to do everything else, but unable to complete the lovemaking. If this is truly acceptable to both parties, is this something God would approve?
We just have to keep these things in mind when it comes to having a satisfying sex life. There are other ways of having a fulfilling sex life without intercourse. I know this is bold, but it’s the truth. If both couples agree to a sexless marriage, I personally do not feel there is anything wrong with this, especially when it comes to physical problems preventing it; but I do believe that both parties must be in total agreement with it.
Whatever you do, PRAY! Pray the Word of God over your marriage, over your bedroom, over your bed, over your husband’s pillow. As Sarah suggested above, take the book of Song of Solomon and pray it over you and your husband in 1st person, such as: “(Spouse’s name) is my beloved, and I am (Spouse’s Name), and his desire is only for me. And so on. Read the whole book! If you have to, read it out loud when you go to bed together!
Listed below are some good books that I would suggest for couples who are just struggling in the bedroom: “Sex Begins in the Kitchen” by Dr. Kevin Leman — “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman — “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Smalley – There are many other great books out there to choose from.
God bless,
Christi
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Let’s Pray:
Lord, sometimes as wives we view sex as a “have to” instead of a “want to” which creates a roadblock to our intimacy with our husbands. Please help us to remember that You intended sex to be a fun and loving activity with our husband. Help us to put away the stresses of life and enjoy our intimacy with our husbands. Let our intimacy bring us closer together and help us to stay connected. Remind us that You want us to enjoy sex with our husbands, giving our full abandon.
We pray for those marriages who are physically incapable of having sex. We ask Lord that You give these couples creative ideas on fulfilling each other sexually. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.
Your Assignment:
I would like you to describe below the best date you had with your husband while you were dating. As you write about it, remember how you felt on that date. Remember the anticipation you felt while getting all dolled up for your guy. Remember how he looked, and remember your feelings for him during that date. Write it all out and then as soon as possible, recreate that date!
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For those who are reading this blog and would like to join this Bible study, we would love to have you join us! Click here and follow the instructions, (you can also click the SIGN-UP link in the menu bar above to be taken to the form). It’s that simple! We hope to see you soon!
Wow, this is a great post. I've been in marriage ministry for a long time now and have come to learn that sex is an enormous place of conflict, pain, misunderstanding and contention. I'm so looking forward to having a real and honest conversation about all of these issues. Thank you Sarah and Christi. Love you girls and I will hop over to FB from time-to-time to see what's going on over there. Love you. Lynn
Lynn, I'm so honored you stopped by to read today's post. It was a subject I felt I could go on & on about because there are so many issues husbands and wives face when it comes to intimacy. Some may feel it's taboo to talk about our sex lives, but I really feel it is important to discuss it, especially from God's point of view. I truly believe it will help someone out there!
I am enjoying your book very much. It has helped me & my marriage on so many levels! Thank you again for stopping by and sharing your opinion!
Thank you for stopping by Lynn.
Lynn, thank you so much for your support today! I appreciate it!! Oh & the laughs!!!! LOL I'm still cracking up about your text msg!!!!! LOL
One of our best dates in our two weeks of dating is when we went to the top of the John Hancock building. It started to snow while we were up there and the lights of the city really came to life. I knew in that split instance I would be married to this man forever whatever it took. We had not yet been intimate since I was insistent that we would wait till we were married and he agreed.
I really love this reading today because I know many who struggle in this area. As life changes and we age our bodies change. I wish there were commercials that would tell the aging population that its okay if sex changes because you can be satisfied by learning how to lean into one another and embracing life where you are at today. How many of us realize its not the sex glue that keeps us going it is the love of our Savior and the encouragement of God even if our spouse is not serving. It serves to reminds us it's about for better or worse until death parts us & not until the sheets cool off. As I have watch my mentor – my granny nurse my grandpa through a devastating illness – pancreatic cancer she would often remind me that it was not about the sex and the intimacy that she missed but it was about the strength in the embrace, the gentleness of the kisses and in knowing how much she would miss the strokes of my grandfather's touch against her skin and the soft spoken words – I love you. My grandmother was a wise woman who knew just when to have these discussions and who reminded me that marriage has its ups and downs. its good times and bad, its sickness and health, it's sex time or sexless times – but what in it for you is knowing when that's what marriage is about finding balance in the spirit when the physical balance shifts that's what it's all about for me.
Your date sounds beautiful, Anne! Thank you for sharing!
And you are so right! As we get older, everything changes and if you can grow in love and spirituality with your husband, your sex life will evolve and grow too. It can be so wonderful! We all just need to to nurture it just like any other important area of our marriage! 🙂
You handled this subject very well, Sarah, on your blog today. You brought out points that most of us face at some time or another. You are right, it is a subject that needs to be addressed because, often times, women are left with no one to talk to about such an intimate part of their marriage. Very needful discussion. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Martha!
Sarah and Christi, you did such a great job covering this subject. Christi, I'm so glad you pointed to the flip side of intimacy in marriage. It's not always the wife say no. As our men come under more and more stress these days and flounder in understanding who they are when the world gives them so much conflicting information, I'm hearing the number is increasing of marriages where the wife's sex drive is stronger than the husband's. Not an easy place to be either. I'm so glad we're talking about it because most books only address the situation as the other way around. Frankly I'm tired of tossing those books across the room. LOL!
God is so good in helping us in whatever situation we may be in. I love that!!! Thank you again, ladies, for address the intimacy topic. I know many will find help and healing in the discussion!
Thank you so much for stopping by, Dineen!
Thank you Dineen! It is a very delicate subject, but one that needs to be talked about. Sexual dysfunction is just another way that satan is trying to rob our marriages, and the more knowledge we have about it, the more we can stand against the weapons the enemy pours onto us! There is no shame in sexual dysfunction!!! The Word of God will never return void, and it will accomplish what it is set out for. I am posting a challenge to the women in our Facebook Group to do a 30-day challenge with me in praying scriptures from the Song of Solomon onver our spouses. I pray many will join me!!! AMEN!!
I'll join you in that one, Christi! Excellent idea. Nothing like the power of praying God's word!
Awesome!!! 🙂
Excellent blog today-Sarah & Christi!! Delicate subject but you handled it well! Love you 2 girls!!
Thank You Donna!
just got to this, it's been busy, excellent blog ladies. My husband doesn't like me to wear skimpy clothes or does he expect something weird or sinful in our marriage, the problem we have is just plain old sexless marriage. We can go 6 months to a year without any sex. I had a talk with him yesterday and don't think it got anywhere. Because of his medical problems he just doesn't seem to care or get the message. He says he wants to but we never do or when I'm really wanting to be intimate with him, we know the enemy doesn't want that so always there is a fight and I'm in bed turning my back on him. its not a good sex life at all, I'm at my wits end!!
My husband and I didn't exactly 'date' during our courtship period. We went from neighbors, to friends, to roommates that we never went out on a stereotypical date. Since we've been married we've never put the effort into dating one another because we expel so much energy on the things that have to be done that we don't have enough to do the things we want to do.
Once a week, make it a priority Mandi, to "date" your hubby! It has to be intentional. I KNOW Bob will love it!! And knowing you the way I do, I know you will have a blast putting it all together!! 🙂 It will make a huge difference in your marriage!