I was so excited when I logged on to Facebook this morning to see that a very good friend of mine got engaged over the holiday weekend. HOW EXCITING…. right?!?!??!
I noticed yesterday that she had started pinning things like bouquet designs and wedding dresses on Pinterest… so I did have a hunch, but seeing it on my Facebook homepage made it real. She is about to live a wonderful season of planning and prepping…. designing her special day that she has dreamed of since she was a young girl. As I read today’s chapter, I wondered if anyone would be having the real-deal conversation with her like Priscilla’s friend had with her so many years ago.
“Are you sure this is what you want to do?”
Believe me, ladies….. when I was a little girl twirling in my bedroom fantasizing about my wedding day, I never dreamed of having 5 kids at the altar along with my 2nd husband! YIKES!!! Not what dreams are made of, right? Well, before Craig and I even said “I do” we had gone through more in the year and a half we dated than most couples go through in their whole lifetime of marriage! In fact, to this day, I have friends who come to be at the blossoming of a new, blended family relationship for advice because they saw what we lives for so many years and how hard it was and want me to answer for them “So…… has it been worth it?”
Wether you are in your first marriage, second, third or fourth……. your spouse must come first and they must intentionally get your very best or it will just not work. You can not give your kids, family or friends that top spot under God Almighty! Once Craig and I understood this balance and started living our life this way, everything in our relationship came into focus and our entire household was positively effected.
No matter what stage of life, or marriage, we are in, we all want to be fulfilled. We all want our deepest needs to be met and our husband wants this same thing. As Priscilla points out, “He may not be fulfilling his side of the bargain at the moment. But remember, this book is not about him. The reality is, you cannot change him. But you can pinpoint some changes in yourself, and then you can bring that new resolve to your marriage. You can be faithful. That much you can do.”
You may not WANT to do it, but you really need to do it anyway. God calls you to do it. You answer to Him above all else… and He calls us to act and live above our wants as we are not of this world.
I have a story to share that is not a-typical for second marriages, especially when there are children involved.
After the first few years of our marriage, Craig and I were not doing well as we let our house and our lives be led by fear. Craig was not putting me first (after God) because he was scared of his ex-wife and what she might do if he ever stood up to her or “rocked the boat.” This was killing our marriage because not only was I the primary caregiver for all the kids, but I had no voice and no rights. He would give-in to her requests even when it was not in the kids’ or our family’s best interests just to avoid her anger or her wrath. Slowly, it made me retreat and was killing me on the inside because I felt like I didn’t matter and I was scared that it could all be taken from me at any moment. I had given my heart away to these kids and my heart got trampled on every time I turned around. I did not feel safe and I did not feel valued.
Craig finally realized what he was doing and saved our marriage and our family by putting us all in our proper place. It took only saying to his ex a few times “I’ll talk to Megan about it and get back to you” before she got the drill and soon started to say to him “I know you need to run this by Megan but…” VICTORY!!!! He showed me that I came first which also showed the kids how to value their spouse.
I need to do the same.
I cannot have the kids or work or other people taking my top spot. Craig has to come first, or we are out of balance again. What we have found is that once we have our marital balance in place, everything else falls into line and we have a much happier home. It takes a lot of work and intentional actions, but it is so worth it to be able to model this to our kids and show each other how much we value our God and our family by having our spouse in their proper priority.
As you begin this journey this week, list some of your husband’s characteristics that you wish would change but likely will not. Then, record the way YOU can change to adapt to your husband’s characteristics if these attributes are never altered. We’ll look at this later in the week.
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Let’s Pray
Dear Heavenly Father….. no matter what marital season we are in, we need to check our priorities to Your Word. Help us today to begin to “do it anyway” to fulfill our husband’s needs for Your to get all the glory! Lord, show us today how we can make the most immediate impact and help us to lift each other up in prayer to be our best in our marriages. Lord, for those of us who are not in a marriage currently, speak to our hearts about how to best prepare to be able to give our best to our mates. We love you, Lord, and we thank you for showing us all we need to be our best for Your glory! In Jesus’ mighty name we pray, amen <3
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Your Assignment:
In the comment section below, tell us what you might say if you were counseling young woman on the eve of her wedding day. Do you feel that you have accepted the responsibilities marriage has required or have you resisted them?
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After you have commented below, go back to our Online Bible Study Group on Facebook to see what our Daily FUN Activity is. If you do not yet belong to our OBS Facebook group, and would like to, please send an email to:
GirlfriendsCoffeeHour@gmail.com
We’ll send you the details needed to get you into this group!
Don’t forget to stop by Craig’s blog to see what the guys are up to with The Resolution for Men.
www.adversusmundi.wordpress.com
Many blessings,
Megan 🙂
About Megan Smidt
I really do not have anything else to add to what Priscilla said or to what Megan said. Husband must come first after God. I learned this the hard way as I never had an example to learn from. However, being a doormat is not the ideal either. There has to be a balance and only God can do that. A marriage without God as the center is destined for trials and/or failure.
That balance is so important, Jackie…. And if God is truly at the center it's an easy thing to achieve. We can't make anyone do anything….. But we can make sure WE to the right thing <3 praying for marriages to be restored to this balance today <3
priscilla wrote SO beautifully about this!!! and oh my…how i have wished that someone had taken me aside before our wedding and asked me the hard questions! so i resolved years ago that i would, to the best of my ability, lovingly speak up to others. and i have done that with a number of young (and not-so-young) ladies. here's the gist of what i have asked them: "do you know what you are doing?" i have asked, "if next week, next month, six months down the road you come to realize that this man is NOT who you perceived him to be…what would you do?" and, of course, there have been various responses; but with mostly the same thought: 'oh, i don't think that will happen BUT if it did, i would just love him anyway!' to which i always respond (with raised eyebrow), 'ummhmmm. of course.' and, by God's grace, that is where the conversation can begin. <3
wow, megan…quite the second question! "do you feel that you have accepted the responsibilities marriage has required or have you resisted them?" i have gotten up from my chair 3 times trying to respond here. for years, i resisted some of them. the responsibilities of a God-directed, God-obeying, God-honoring marriage are difficult…but possible (with His help and guidance). by God's grace and through lots of tears (and a few slammed doors), i have made many changes, and progress. i do, however, still find at times, a little resistent spirit popping its ugly head up. and i endeavor to deal with it and do the righteous thing. <3
Megan, this was awesome! My oldest is not biologically my husbands, but that has never mattered to him. She went on a date this weekend and I didn't check with him first. The first time she went out with a guy I ask him, but I really felt like it was my decision and I was asking him so that I wouldn't rock the boat. This time, he was at work, I didn't call because the rest of my family was here and I thought it was no big deal. It really hurt his feelings and caused all kinds of tension. I had to apologize multiple times because that never was my intention o hurt him like that. I kept thinking to myself "esteem others highly". I am reminded often, that he is my brother in Christ first, and that he deserves no less than what I would give I one of my brothers and sisters and even moreso because he is my husband
LOVE this Megan!! Being a step-mom, too, I can so relate to this!! Our problem in the beginning of our relationship wasn't the ex…it was the kids! The kids were always top priority, no matter what. Talk about feeling unimportant, unloved, and all of the above!! I so totally know what you mean! Thank God you are married to a man who understands priority!
I can't answer this because I'm not married!
What I would like to say is learn each others love languacataloging God first and being able to communicate with your spouse is really important. Just as our prayer language is honored by God a good marriage is built on communication. If you can each respect your love language you can get through anything. Listen with both ear and count to ten befor you speak.
Remember that Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself and your husband is your closest neighbor!!! That a biblical marriage is your husband as the head of the household, yes you have a voice but in the end if a decision needs to be made and you cannot agree, your husband has the final say…. Submit to your husband in love, show him respect even if he is not deserving as this is what Jesus calls us to do. "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33 We are called to respect our husbands at all times, not just when we feel they deserve it!
I can't really add any advice because I have been feeling deeply convicted that I have had things way out of order for all these years. I have justified it by saying that my husband is not the spiritual leader and that we are unequally yoked, but nowhere does God say to only put your husband first after him if he is a good guy or a Christian. *sigh Struggling through this realization and praying for change in the balance of things as I seek to obey.