I grew up in a middle class family, the youngest of four children. I had to try to ‘measure up’ to my siblings (2 sisters and 1 brother). My dad was military so I spent many days trying to meet his expectations. To this day I cannot remember a time I met those expectations. My mom was a stay at home mom due to responsibilities of my brother – who has developmental challenges. She was the peacemaker in our family. We grew up in church; however I did not really know God. James 2:19 states, ‘ you believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that and shudder.’ You see, I did believe in Him, but had not received Him as my Lord and Savior.
When I was 12- (a very impressionable age for girls), I was very active in sports at school. As I spent more time at school, my PE teacher began paying more attention to me – this was my first encounter attaching to a female. I remember wanting to be around this teacher, yet knowing it was not right for her to be interested. So, for the next 6 years, I tried everything to ‘fit in’ with my friends. If they wanted to go out drinking, I would – if they were hanging around guys – I would. At home though I would keep my grades up – you see I was playing both worlds.
At the age of 19 I became actively involved in the gay lifestyle. It was at this time my family found out of my ‘hidden life.’ My dad told me to leave and I was no longer his daughter – that I had ruined the family name. For the next 3 years we did not speak – avoiding each other every time we saw each other in town. My family searched for help at this time – they joined a Full Gospel Church in town and began talking with me. I knew God was tugging on me, but I was not buying into it completely. I would go to church and feel great, trying to follow what I thought God wanted – then I would go home and would fall. One night I went to church with my mom and decided I would try this ‘Jesus thing.’ I actually felt good about it, but again it was surface, as I continued living the lifestyle. Six years later, my mom passed away suddenly.
At this time I was sincerely trying to get out of the gay lifestyle. I met a ‘charming’ man at my mom’s funeral – married him 6 weeks later with my family’s blessings. Everyone thought this would ‘fix’ me. My marriage became a battleground – I left after a short time, seeking love I had not received and fell back into a lesbian relationship. What next? I found out I was pregnant. My son, now 21, is the blessing God had planned for me through this marriage. Things were going well at this time – or so I thought. My ex-husband obtained custody of my son. You would think all of this would make me think – but this just made me more set on doing my ‘own thing.’
My life now became survival of the fittest and I was going to conquer the world. I completed my Masters Degree, got a good job, nice house, friends, and was involved in a long relationship. I had won right? Wrong – I still had no communication with my family, my dad had passed away, I had no relationship with God, lost custody of my son and was alienating myself from my friends due to the shame of the relationships I was in. As if life wasn’t enough, a friend of mine asked if I would adopt her grandson. Sure, why not? How could adding one more thing change anything?
My son is now 11 years old and the 2ndbiggest blessing of my life. It was about this time I started going to church – for my boys. Every Sunday the message was for me – ever been there? The more I went to church, the more miserable my life became at home – ever been there? At that time, I began going to a cell group at church – we were studying John Baker’s Life’s Healing Choices.
During my times of reading, God took me to Romans 1:26-28, ‘God gave the women over to shameful lusts. They exchanged the natural for the unnatural.’ Vs. 28 states furthermore ‘since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, He gave them over to a debased mind.’ Then Luke 11:23 – He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with Me, scatters. Romans 2:8-9 to those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness – indignation and wrath, tribulation and anguish on every soul… God was telling me I could no longer ride the fence. I had to trust Him with ALL my heart. I knew at that moment I could no longer live the gay lifestyle.
I continued studying His word. The more committed I became – He started taking me to many passages on His love and grace. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 speaks first of those who are unrighteous not inheriting the kingdom of God. But the grace comes in vs. 11 “and such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.” Psalm 103:11-13 states “for as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Then, Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
How awesome is our God that even when we were causing His heart to hurt, He sent His only son to die for us? I stand amazed daily at how He has transformed my life from confusion to peace – from sin to salvation – from knowing of God to truly knowing God. Exactly two weeks after total surrender to God, I received a call from my doctor. I was diagnosed with stage 3 cervical and uterine cancer and needed immediate surgery. Prior to surgery, my doctor informed me I would need to follow up with chemo and radiation. I came through the surgery well and received another call from my surgeon two weeks later – all tests came back negative. I would not need follow-up chemo or radiation – God had healed my cancer. Praise God!!
Two years ago, after moving myself away from the environment and friends of my ‘old self’ – I came upon Celebrate Recovery. This is a Christian 12 step program based on the 8 Beatitudes and Jesus’ most famous sermon – Sermon on the Mount. Through these 12 steps and God’s grace, He has taken me full circle and placed me exactly where I needed to receive full Victory from the gay lifestyle. Initially I felt heavy doses of shame and guilt. Immediately God took me to Isaiah 61:7 – Instead of your shame you shall have double honor, instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion.” Through Celebrate Recovery and ‘pressing on’ I have discovered I have no shame because of the grace of God, He has turned that into joy through my total surrender to Him. I became involved in an ex-gay ministry and also lead women’s groups through Celebrate Recovery (doesn’t God have a sense of humor?).
God has taken me on an amazing journey. He is giving me freedom that can only come through His grace. When I now talk with people about coming out of homosexuality, the responses vary “I didn’t know you could get out of that,” or “Weren’t you born that way?” My response is always with God ALL things are possible. Do I still have trials or temptations, yes – Jesus said we would. But John 16:33 “in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
You see, my identity is not in my past. My identity is now I am loved, valuable, precious, talented, gifted, capable, powerful, wise, redeemed and a child of the most High God. How do I know that? My Father, the Father of all creation told me so. Many people go around looking for miracles – take a look around, we are each a miracle.
God has taken me in my most sinful nature and by grace transformed me into a child of God.
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Laurie Ellis was raised in Southern Illinois. She is the youngest of four children.
Currently, she is a single mom of two sons, Elijah (21) and Dalton (11). They are the joys of her life. Along with her boys, her brother Roger lives with them.
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Following her divorce, she returned to college, obtaining her Bachelors in Social Work (1998) and then her Masters in Healthcare Administration in 2005. She has spent over 25 years working in the healthcare field with youth, developmentally disabled and most recently in the geriatric population.
For the past two years, Laurie has spent time in Celebrate Recovery on the ministry T.E.A.M and Exchange (an ex-gay ministry) – leading several women’s groups. She is grateful to be used by God to minister to women searching for recovery from various issues.
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If you are interested in learning more about this ministry, please email Laurie@GirlfriendsCoffeeHour.com.
