Is it really necessary to win an argument? Why do we want “to win”?
Do we feel that when we do, we have some kind of special power over the other person?
How many of us were/are like the little six year old in our lesson today, when we don’t win, we bawl(cry), we mouth words back to the person showing our total disappointment and we don’t stop doing these things until we get a point across to them in hopes to get a little reward in something. Probably most of us can answer yes to this question/thought.
Each of us have something growing inside of us that likes “the victory” moments to occur, we like to be able to say “see there I did that” or “I won that”…..and for some reason we especially like to have those moments with our husbands for some reason. We feel like when we win a battle that we have won the most ultimate gift of the day until tomorrow when something else happens and we are trying all over “to win again”.
I am here to say we will “NEVER” win, not the true gift anyway as long as we are just trying to win a “daily battle/conflict” in our marriage, because you see all those are just temporary “wins”, they have no meaning, they have no permanence, all they have is a temporary feeling and then they start all over the next morning.
Do we sit and think about the daily battles “before” we choose one to battle over? I love what Gods Word tells us In Luke 21:14 NIV “but make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves.
This verse tells us that we are able to make a decision not to worry, that we should Resolve and settle in our minds not to meditate and prepare beforehand how we will make our defense and how we will answer.
To meditate means to roll something around in our mind. Worry is simply rolling unpleasant possibilities around in our minds. Not to prepare beforehand how we will responsd to those who disagree with us is a real step of faith. We are then forced to rely on whatever God brings to our minds. By not preparing a battle and rolling these scenarios around in our minds we are now opening our minds instead to receive wisdom from God.
Worry can sneak up on us and we find all sorts of negative possibilities seeping into our minds uninvited and unwelcome, it is when conflicts in our marriage will begin to creep in, all because we want to win a battle, we want to gain an inch of ground in the argument.
Why can’t we just “keep our mouths shut”
We must remember that the ones of us who are believers and any of our husbands who are not believers do not see things the same way. One sees with God’s eyes and the other with the world’s eyes. Thankfully Lynn tells us on Pg. 109 that “we believers view life through the lens of God’s Word, we filter the day’s events and process them through the truths we discover from reading our Bible daily and the time we spend in prayer and our husband processes life from some other source. This makes our marriage a tough one to live every day and this is one reason why we have “daily battles”. These are the times we have to decide to “stand up, or give up” – really is that what it has to be? NO! instead the process in these daily battles needs to be us becoming mature in Christ and learning to pick and choose our battles carefully and prayerfully.
We all have things to learn from some of these battles we go through but we need to discern the unimportant issues and as we have all heard before “simply agree to disagree” with our husband.
We can’t win our marriage on our own, we can’t take on the role of Jesus in trying to get our marriage to a place where we want it to, instead we need to give our daily battles to God and let Him do all the changing, stop pushing our faith and belief on our man to the point where we argue about it or even the simplest things that take away the focus of God in our lives and in our marriage.
Ladies our husband will see God has changed us, we don’t have to try and make him see and then the key that will unlock these battles is a “transformed life in Him(our husband) and a transformed life in us (our marriage)”
Let’s just surrender our need to win a battle and instead embrace and surrender our marriage, let’s be the peacemaker and let Christ handle all the rest!
Let’s Pray: God I pray for each one of us as we will face upcoming battles in our marriages, help us Lord not to choose the battle but instead look to you and help us to decide if the issue/battle is truly worth this conflict we will face, and help us Lord instead to surrender it to you” In your name I pray. Amen!
Your assignment: Tell us how you resolve conflicts/battles in your marriage. How do you pick/choose your battles? How many of you never have any conflicts/battles with your man, if so teach us your method and how it can help us to grow this area of our marriage.
Love you all,
Beverly
For the “Winning Him Without Words” Bible Study, you will need the book, your Bible, pen or pencil, a highlighter and a quiet place. You can order the book right through our website by clicking the “sign-up here” button at the top of our webpage; which is also where you can sign up to participate in this awesome bible study!
About Beverly McCormick
oh those are some tough questions, beverly! (not that i always do this, but it works because of obedience to God) i find that instead of having to 'pick/choose which battle' i work really hard to remember to "…esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others" (philippians 2:4). if i am being concerned about robert's interests/needs/concerns then i will not be fighting for my stuff.
thanks, beverly, for such good encouragement! <3
My problem is that I avoid conflict and that isn't always healthy either! Then I end up bottling things up and then my resentment builds and the crazy circle begins. I have no problem nitpicking the little things in daily life, which are of no consequence (and God has been working on me A LOT in this area!!), but with anything of significance, I take on the "flight" behavior. It is how I have always been and I do not know how to be any other way.
Jennifer, this sounds so much like me in my marriage. Then, when I bottle everything up, eventually it comes spilling out at the wrong time and in the wrong way.
I have learned a lot lately about picking and choosing my battles and even in the little every day stuff, I am trying hard to remember that my husband does a lot for me and to look for the positive instead of dwelling on the negative. I am a work in progress, for sure.
Sherrie thanks for your comment…something I read in your comment is you have learned a lot lately…that is our goal….and it's good that we are a work in progress it means we are allowing God to change us! Thanks for sharing with us!
Jennifer thanks for sharing but remember don't just avoid, Gid wants to grow you thru the battle and He won't be able to if you bury it…so let me encourage you the next time a conflict comes up, get on your knees BEFORE you say one word and then go to your husband with your arms open wide and ask him to talk it through with you and get it resolved…and then get back on your knees PRAISING God for what took place! This may not work every time but oh when it does what great accomplishments you are making in your relationship! Love ya and thanks for sharing
I guess I am in the "giving up" group. For years I always had to be right. Always! In the past 5 years I have gone to the other extreme, I don't say anything. There are times I would like to say something to my husband about his behavior, about how it makes me feel. But I don't, for two reasons. One – I know the ugliness that would come spewing out of my mouth. Two – it is almost always about something I want from him, my selfish desires. So I try to take my hurts to God because I know speaking up would only make things worse
Thanks so much for sharing please let me encourage you "don't give up". God wants to help you thru it…just ask Him and He will give you His words and He will also tell you when to close it up if you also ask that too…HE wants your relationship to grow stronger and YOU are strong when you abide in Him….so stay strong my sister and bow out when you need to and pick it back up later when Gods ready for you to continue…but don't give up, that is where your growth is! Love ya and I will be praying!
Thanks Coleen for his reminder! Oh how we need to thinking of our mate and not just ourself…you are just the most precious encourager to me! Thanks for sharing with us!
Before Jesus I saw myself winning battles by out speaking my husband. Chasing him with words until he ran out that was my method. Can I say there are no conflicts in our marriage? Not!!! But I can say I have grown up and now I pray about our conversations and disagreements. I ask the Holy Spirit for in site and wisdom. If the Holy Spirit does not give me the words then, I choose to say nothing. I listen respectfully and then ask God to lead me to the best possible outcome. Sometimes it is a later conversation. Other times it is a living example. Whatever it is I ask that God reveal the anointed moment when Jesus in the flesh covers our lives in love and respect. Trusting in and leaning on God has endless benefits.
Amen Anne….thanks for sharing with us! Beautifully said…
My husband is very Non confrontational so we don't have many conflicts. But I can say that in the early years I always had to win, and since he doesn't like to fight, I ususally did. Can I just say that the satisfaction of winning was not what I wanted!! LOL! He was content to let me win, and he was ok with that. Since then though I have grown up a lot and learned what is important and what is not. I don't have to win anymore, just need to look to God and ask if it's something we need to have conflict about. Most times God speaks to me and tells me to let it go, it's not that important and it usually isn't. I just need to hear Gods voice and that puts it into perspective. Thanks Beverly for the reminders in this blog! It was great!